i burn so brightly in the dark.

2011-11-13T21:18:00.001-08:00

my dearest blogger, it has been such a long time. and going back through these posts, i am so sad at these ideas i used to have in my head - and as recent as a year ago! praise god for growth.

if you scroll down two or three posts, all you'll see is my hesitance to recognize the good in god, the good in the world, the good in love. in fact, an old friend told me that love doesn't exist, and i hate to tell you i believed her.

but guess what?! i have this incredible secret: love DOES exist, and it's so much bigger and better and sweeter and fulfilling than anything i could have ever wanted. love is so good it's overwhelming and even makes me cry in happiness sometimes.

i am sad that i haven't documented the journey from where i was to where i am now, and i think the reason is because i was (am) one of those girls that only tends to write such eloquent words only when i'm let down or upset or betrayed or a combination of all the evil in the world (or something like that). but the past year has been such a perfect adventure into the person and the relationships i am and i have now. so i might have skipped the "getting there" part, but if you're reading this and you're thinking the same things i have put my faith in in the past, then let me assure you - what you have waiting is worth it.

once upon a time, i wrote this:

but my legs get tired when i swim,
and it's you that has let me in.
just don't let me drown in this sea,
because she told me, "love will set you free"
won't you help me believe?

i had finally gotten tired of running from boys and the idea of a forever love. this doesn't mean that i had started to believe that love was real just yet, but it meant i was tired of NOT believing in it. and to tell you the truth, it was so exhausting spiritually and emotionally and all i wanted was someone to prove me wrong, even in my stubbornness.

maybe what i should thank god for most, is that exhaustion. he broke me completely down, every barrier, every self-declared "truth"...and that is the only way that someone was able to pick up my limp and vulnerable self and help heal my bitter heart.

meet brandon:

this boy has my heart. and only because he took me in while i was still trying to swim in a sea of bitterness. he took all of my exhaustion and slowly but surely won me over with patience and kindness and silliness and willingness to be my best friend. this was the person that god had waiting for me all of this time, the person that was the most natural fit to my imperfections. all the while that i was trying to tell god that he was wrong, that he created something so awful called love, he was telling me to be patient and trust him and he would blow my mind away. and that he did. with this boy, the love of my life. every day of the past year and a half has been exactly what i needed. even the little arguments never cause me doubt that one day i will have a ring on my left hand and a blonde-haired, green-eyed perfect husband beside me.

but it wasn't just brandon that healed my heart...i have to give credit to my other best friend: emily. she's the one that kept encouraging me to wait, to be patient, to believe that i could have a love as precious and perfect as hers. she literally said, "jeni, one day you will know that love sets you free." she had the same experience in doubt, and she found what she was begging god for as soon as she became exhausted from searching. but i couldn't believe her. i thought she was lucky and i was destined to have an incredible brother-in-law but still be void of an incredible husband. i loved my sister so much while she kept telling me to have faith, but i felt so separated from her words and i couldn't explain to her how hopeless i felt. but that is it! it's because she knew how i felt! and she knew god's faithfulness to keep a promise! even though i kept crying when she told me i would find someone one day, i'm so happy she pushed me to give it a try again. her gentleness let me realize that brandon holding my heart was okay, and that if i let him, he would show me all of the love that i had been missing.

and that he did.

and here i am.

and i am happy and so in love.

and i plan to carry that love into eternity.

so keep your head up, sunshine. if you let love come to you, if you wait for such justified and tangible love, it will fill your heart completely and spill into the rest of your soul. it will consume you in the best ways, and give you a hope in the future and a faith in god's promises that cannot be broken.

love heals.

love exists.

love is real.

just wait for it.

2010-10-25T19:07:00.001-07:00

first, i effing hate stupid blog layouts. it makes me feel like i'm 12 and this is myspace. just give me something simple. why is tumblr so much better in this department? blogger, you're insane.

and on that note, why am i so grumpy? why have my responses been so down trodden today? lame, jbones.

"you look gorgeous today."
but do i?
"how are you?"
ready for homework to be over.
"you should model."
that's dumb.
"here's a 50/50 on your test."
glad i didn't do so hot on the other one.
"you should blog more."
but should i?

CAN YOU JUST STOP THAT?

yeah, i'm yelling at myself.

so now what's built up? what's blocking this view of perfection? what the hell is doing this to me?
options:
1) depressing (but so beautiful) music playing in the background.
2) too many assignments at once.
3) cynicism. typical.
4) daydreams being interrupted by real life.
5) waking up early.
6) wasted efforts.
7) detachment.
8) separation.

ahh, i love how the list gets more vague as we move along...

1) music, where have you gone in my life? i truly feel like i'm missing a piece of my soul, or maybe a piece of my body. there isn't a single complete album right now that is tugging at my heart strings, begging to be played on repeat in my car or on baby mac, and because of that, i feel like my gall bladder is missing. something so small, but so vital. i don't want to die. give me my gall bladder back. someone, anyone, gently hand me the music that will encompass first semester sophomore year.

2) college makes me question my education. in a way that i want to quit. i've never wanted to quit in my life, but now, i do. rather than music, THIS is what is tugging at my scruples. scruples doesn't even fit in this context, but i'm going to pretend. i learned the word scruples when i was in the 6th grade. i miss 6th grade, for the simple fact that i wasn't so bitter. my fingers are literally itching at this moment because i can taste exactly how many of these sentences are not entirely grammatically correct, how many of them go against AP style. SCREW YOU, AP STYLEBOOK. i hate you. i hate you, but i'm starting to love you. and that makes me angry again, that i would start to crave a book of judgement that tells me everything i'm doing wrong. just let me blog, just let me make fragments without pulling at my conscious, screeching in my head to use correct punctuation, to capitalize, to spell out numbers between one and ten. no. no. no. watch this, J301:

hopefully i will get 7 lobsters to kiss my cheeks in california on tuesday evening at 5pm.

i know, i struggled to type that one, too...

3) see #2. and #1. and to top that off, i want to just erase the past. why does everything spin in circles when i'm ready to throw it out the window? i don't need it anymore, i don't need to relive the days, the minutes, the seconds that are imprinted in my memory regarding me getting hurt. i'm over it, already. so memories, bitterness, loneliness, heart break, why are you still there? don't be so selfish - happiness wants me now, let him have a turn. at least give him a shot. because believe it or not, he's the one i really want, the one that wants me. it's crazy how that works, right? sometimes things can go right. can't they?
oh, and this reminds me of #1. here's the deal, music...you're great, and i love you bringing me back to all of these times in my life, i like reminiscing. but do you really need to play taylor swifts' "christmases when you were mine"? come, on. i'm not 18 anymore, i'm not still in love with a boy that doesn't want me. proof: i might be in love with someone else.

4) it's frustrating when present day real-life interrupts my daydreams that are my future real-life. hence, #2.

5) self-explanitory.

6) here is when my self-pity culminates. i feel like i've put out a pretty valiant effort to ask someone to stay at KU. a valiant effort with completely rational reasonings. a valiant effort with monetary gifts. and yet it's like my words, my actions, my efforts don't even matter. i don't know many things, but i know that i am realistic. to an annoying extent. but no, instead, you're going to give me these stupid excuses so you can move home to a boy? i am simply offended, and feel used. why did i even care to begin with? i just want people to grow up.
that's a selfish thing to ask. no one should ever have to grow up faster than they want to.

7) i want to be more involved in people's lives that i should be involved in. confusing, but listen...sometimes it's difficult for me to produce a yearning to put out an effort to be around, to say hello, to spend time with someone when i know that it would never be returned. you can complain that i am not here, and that when i am, i am just detached...but you would never do anything to change that. ahh, it comes back to me resisting...people.

but can i tell you something before all of your judgment settles in? i have so much love to give, i really do. so much sometimes i feel like i'm about to burst. i can't explain it, but i want to love someone, i want to love something, and i DO, for the first time in a while, i DO love someone. i've always loved my family, and i love my best friends (which we'll get to in #8), but now i love someone outside of them. but i also want to love a kitty. and my kids at BGC. and a new friend.

8) best friends, why can't we just be together? megan, come home. kellie, come to me. emily, don't let us drift apart.
i daydream about us living in one place and spontaneously having adventures and late night talks every day. i miss all of you. so much it hurts.

the self-pity is over. i'm annoyed with myself.

i'm sorry, please forgive me.
believe me if you would.

2010-10-25T18:15:00.000-07:00

this is kind of old. but fairly recent. i don't know the difference sometimes.

feel the pain teaching us how much more we can take, reminding us how far we’ve come. let the pain burn away from our hearts, we have time to start all over again.

i spent over a year denying this. i spent a year telling myself that it wasn’t possible to fall in love again, telling myself that i didn’t have time to start again. i said that the pain didn’t teach me that i could take more, but that i was at my limit, a breaking point with relationships. i thought i had experienced something incredible, but it turned out to be fraud. it broke every part of me, and then i was lost in this swirl of cynicism. and in truth, it really was just my adolescent oblivion believing it was flawless, when in actuality, it was so full of faults it was bursting at the seams. but because of that, i didn’t think i could love anyone again, i didn’t think anyone could love me; at least not in the utterly complete way i needed. they could love parts of me, the concept of me, but not what was actually there.

i didn’t think i could be loved…or maybe i didn’t want to be.

but...
things have changed. dramatically. my heart is still there telling me no, but my head is reasoning that maybe it’s time. it’s a battle between my desires and my logic, my stubbornness and my ability to open up. what if my heart keeps telling me to be selfish and alone and unloved? it’s not best for anyone, but when you fall so far down and realize how fragile you are, parts of you, parts of me, start to say that it’s better to stay cracked than transformed and shattered again.

but my heart is new. my soul is just bruised. and you’re slowly healing me.

because of that, i’m scared out of my mind, like normal. i’m scared because i know i start to question things: if i deserve this, if i’m ready for this, if it’s really as perfect as it seems. i’m scared because i don’t want to become dependent on someone again, i’m scared because i promised myself that i wouldn’t ever let anyone mean that much to me again. all i wanted was to travel the world and wear skinny jeans and love jesus and move to africa. i wanted to do it alone…but only because i thought it would be easier. i wanted to do it alone because i didn’t think anyone would go with me.

and i’m scared to hold his hand.
i’m scared to hold his heart.
i’m scared to lay in bed with him all day.
i’m scared to spend every second of my free time talking to him.
i’m scared to have perfect weekends together.
i’m scared to think about him all day, every day.
i’m scared to be set free.
i’m scared of being spoiled.
i’m scared of being held.
i’m scared of sweet surprises.
i’m scared of a potential future.
i’m scared that i feel safe.
i’m scared that he will prove all of my ideas about love wrong.
i’m scared that i will admit these fears to him.
i’m scared that maybe i’m not scared at all, but just caught off guard.
or maybe i’m scared that i’m more scared than i can admit.
i’m scared i will be ripped apart when least expected.
i’m scared that i don’t ever want to be without him.

can you lie next to her and give her your heart as well as your body? and can you lie next to her and confess your love as well as your folly? and can you kneel before the king and say i’m clean?

essentially, i think i…_____ you.

2010-08-17T13:46:00.001-07:00

maybe this will help in the end.

maybe it won't all turn out wrong.

all i know is i don't want to feel myself slipping back into that trench of dependence. i just have to learn to...float. for a very long time.

but my legs get tired when i swim,
and it's you that has let me in.
just don't let me drown in this sea,
because she told me, "love will set you free"
won't you help me believe?

2010-06-27T16:33:00.000-07:00

maybe if i just talked a little more…

since when have i become timid? is it timidity? or is it cynicism?

i realized tonight that i have to start letting go of things; things that i thought i had previously released from this clenched grasp of self-pity. i keep telling these same stories, with the same emotions, when really my perspective on them has changed. so shouldn’t my presentation of them change as well? or am i still that 15 year old girl that needs her mom? because i use bigger words and wear prettier dresses and sometimes let my hair down but that depth in my soul is still filled with the water of bitterness.

but i feel so much older...

and i suppose the maturity has started to take a more significant effect. i am able to see the good, to see the way that i’ve sprouted from a child to something much more. i still resemble one, don’t get me wrong - i wear silly bandz and run into fields of wildflowers - but now, rather than that precious oblivion, i see. this mess of mistakes is uncovered, exposed, and it simply makes me…sad. angry. cynical. i don’t know what you could call it, but i keep searching into the mess deeper and deeper, finding the foundations. but is that healthy? because then i start to despise people. i get to the point where i don’t want to interact with those that i once found so intriguing. i start hanging my head, looking more at my new vegan shoes than the man with curly hair and a crooked smile. i can’t continue this pattern of secluding myself from society if i’m ever going to have an authentic relationship with christ, thus ever going to have happiness, because those two are synonymous. i have to have both.
so maybe if i just started talking more, and listening more, not for the sake of listening but for the sake of learning. and then maybe, just maybe, my searching into the mess of mistakes will actually produce something fruitful - maybe it will produce healing and perspective and…better than anything else, something i’ve lost sight of in this mess…love.

love. love. love.

tangible love.

bona fide love.

honest, proven, credible love.

not just a word, but so much more. julie, you were right - it’s a love that only comes from a father. and when i stopped seeking the earthly version of that, i only searched for god. and it was refreshing, but almost exhausting. so i stopped. i stopped searching for -any- type of love. i thought it would be easier. but it’s even more draining.

your heart says not again.
what kind of mess have you got me in?
but when the feeling’s there,
it can lift you up, take you anywhere.
the gravel beneath you and the limbs above,
if anybody asks you where you’re coming from,
say, “love.” say for me, “love.”

i would like for every night to end with national geographic, the avett brothers, an old apartment with high ceilings and zero doors, singing sweetly under my breath to my favorite ingrid michaelson songs, and an oxford comma.

there’s only one thing here worth living of…
say, “love.” say for me, “love.”

2010-06-08T22:56:00.000-07:00

how does it work, this whole love thing? because i guess i'm trying to get back to being even remotely intrigued by it, but it's difficult. and i guess that's because i'm confused. curious? not entirely, but just wondering how and why and where. i feel like the when will work itself out, but if i screw up the rest? it's debatable.

i guess we'll start with where. this "soul mate" - where do you meet them and where does it begin? a bar? a class? a concert? right, i get it, nobody knows. "it's different for everyone." fine. i guess i can deal with that.

now why? to fulfill natural human desires? to feel a purpose? to believe in yourself? to believe in someone else? to be completed? ok. i see that.

but how? how do you fall in love, how do you get someone to fall in love with you? is it really a natural process? how do you keep them around if you don't have the voice of patty griffin and the body of keira knightley mixed with creativity and enthusiasm and spontaneity and spunk? what makes you worth keeping? what makes anyone worth keeping?

love is a weird thing, i wish i could figure it out sometimes. but then i realize i fall in love often, with shoes and ideas and food and impossible dreams. how, and why, and where do you fall in love with irreplaceable people?

i've been waiting and waiting for my doubt to come.

if i had my way i would tear this all down, tear it down, tear it down, tear this all down.

maybe it's because i've felt so close, but i can't seem to grasp it in all of its glory.
so why?
and how?
and where?
am i going to love someone?

2010-05-18T21:31:00.001-07:00

i don't even know where time is going, but it's slipping so far away from me.

my sister gets married in 11 days. i don't know how to handle this. i feel like when she becomes a wife, she will no longer be a sister. and i know that's not true, i know that's so silly to say, but i just feel...alone. because i'm selfish and i want her all to myself, but all to myself she is not happy. and so jarred, i will let you have her. but i hope she doesn't stop being my sister. because i need her.

what do you go home to?

i'm losing so much control of myself because i've kept together for too long.

2010-04-30T07:36:00.000-07:00

it was a long day.

no kellie.

absolutely no progress on my paper.

waking up late.

losing my keys.

all of those ordinary trivial things that just throw me off. i am typical.

and then there is the other issue - the people thing. i love people, i really do. i mean, i think i do at least. but when they’re emotional and when they’re bonding and when they’re expressing so much joy from the past and hesitance to move on, somehow i just become secluded. i don’t like it. maybe i don’t like when they expose themselves so promiscuously. i’m almost embarrassed for their lingering emotions. or maybe i am embarrassed for holding mine back. more so, for not having the ones expected of me to begin with. i am suppose to be crying right now? what the hell? no one told me that. what for? oh, because someone is leaving, or because the memories are just too much to hold on to? well, i just failed that social obligation. the crying thing isn’t me, everyone knows that, but i guess i should at least feel the want to cry. why do people display emotions to those that don’t know the best parts of them? it’s not even fair. i say fair because if you are exposing your inner most self, then they must appreciate you first, on a deeper level. and they don’t. so for all of you, i am embarrassed for you. it’s a weird thing, this embarrassment. too difficult to explain.

time for another swim. another dive into the deep end.

this whole “exhaustion” thing. “you must give everything you have. you must love unto exhaustion. work unto exhaustion, and walk unto exhaustion.” first, why is it “unto,” rather than “until”? but that’s really just something technical. however, i’m quite familiar with the exhaustion. but is it the right type of exhaustion? am i exhausting myself in conformative ways (conformative is not a word, by the way. but it’s fits, just play along)? because i may be working unto exhaustion, but that’s because i am too lazy to plan better. and the walking unto exhaustion — maybe sometimes, but only because the hills in lawrence are ridiculous. but the loving unto exhaustion? i used to do this, and it was….EXHAUSTING. but not rewarding. and so i stopped exhausting myself. i stopped depleting this supply of love. is love renewed? because if you truly love until exhaustion, then maybe the supply really is nonrenewable. am i at a nonrenewable stalemate? or do i still contain the capacity to love until exhaustion. however, i feel to really do this properly, someone else has to be loving you until exhaustion. it’s like your love is mutually exclusive, by depleting yourself, you’re renewing each other. and i don’t just mean in romantic relationships. in any healthy relationships, it’s depleting and renewing and exhausting and rewarding all in the same.

so i guess i’m curious if others are exhausted without reward while loving me. because i may work unto exhaustion, and maybe walk unto exhaustion, but do i love unto exhaustion? because that involves giving yourself, sometimes promiscuously. sometimes giving your best to those that don’t understand it. and i don’t know if i’m willing to do that. i don’t want to be embarrassed of myself.

2010-03-01T23:30:00.000-08:00

i'm so good at running.

my freshman year of high school, i was ranked top 3 in state in three events in track. i was 15 and i was awkward and i was fast. i didn't even have to practice - my coaches could care less if i did the entire sprinters' workout or not - i was going to win regardless.

but it's like the running became more than just the asphalt, more than the red turf - i started running from things, i started running to things. and i was good at it.

"so when you run, make sure you run to something and not away from."

i ran from emotions, i ran from situations, i ran from people.
i ran to passions, i ran to outlets, i ran to safe relationships.

and don't get me wrong, the running toward passions and outlets and safe relationships is great, chasing after dreams and what not. it's just like the races, when i would round the final curve and chase after the girl ahead of me. i never lost.

but i forgot to tell you how much i hated running. it was exhausting and monotonous. it didn't bring all this joy and freedom that people talk about, the release wasn't there. i was so good at running, but i hated every second of it.

so the running away...that's what i'm scared of - the fact that i'm too good at it, but i hate it. it's exhausting running from people. it's monotonous, and it hurts. but i keep running, i keep pulling out of reach.

"disappear from your hometown, find the people that you know.
show them all your good parts, leave town when the bad ones start to show."

i start sprinting when the bad ones start to show. and i'm so good at it...

maybe one day i'll stop for a while and breathe.

2010-01-15T00:54:00.001-08:00

come to the father, you who thirst, and you'll thirst no more.

sometimes i just want someone to fall in love with me, not the idea of me.

yes, i do watch espn.
and i read books.
and i laugh at a lot of things.
i like to wear pretty clothes.
but i love jesus more than that.
and i work hard.
i appreciate quality music, and quality people.
and broken people, too.
i want to take care of dying babies.
and give those with nothing a chance to do something bigger than anyone could imagine.
i love basketball.
my family taught me to play, to laugh, to question.
they have strengthened me.
and i've grown.
i am strong, and loyal, and silly, and tall, and doing my best to serve an almighty god.
i'm ready to live overseas and around the world.
i'm so excited for everything in my future.
but more excited for the unknown.
i love to swing on a swing set in the afternoon and go for a midnight swim and run until my feet don't touch the ground.
the summer makes me brighter.
and the winter makes my sinuses act up and i get all sniffly.

but what about the rest? will anyone ever love all the rest? the weak parts? the ones that aren't intriguing, the things that are typical and mediocre? my awkwardness. my obnoxious nature.

it's really just curiosity. i'm not worrying by any means. maybe god does have someone that will capture all of me and think it's irreplaceable.

the cool part is even if there isn't that person - i think i'm ok with that. cause i mean, my god is pretty freaking big. and kind of knows what he's doing. and i think that maybe if there isn't someone, then it could be the best option for me. and i could travel and never look back. i could give my heart to children and their families. i could experience things in a different light. it could be pretty awesome.

but you know, i was wondering if sometimes we fall in love with the idea of god, too.

why can't we just fall in love with him instead?

2009-12-24T18:52:00.000-08:00

i don't want a lot for christmas.

there is just one thing i need.

i don't care about the presents underneath the christmas tree.

i just want you for my own, more than you could ever know.

make my wish come true -

baby, all i want for christmas is you.

this is so different. and so much better. how could i ever ask for more? i have never had a happier christmas.

o, holy night...

2009-12-12T19:15:00.000-08:00

iamloved.

what do you do when you don't have the right words to say? what do you do when all of the words you could say don't mean a thing? when you know nothing in this world could make you feel alright and you're miles away?

i'm praying for you. i just wish i could turn it all around.

and the hardest part of living is just taking breaths to stay.

sometimes i still want to feel you. to be felt by you. but i know i am more without you.

and it's not that the options aren't there. they are. they just aren't the right ones.

i'm ready for someone that understands before it's too late. who knows who i am. who can't let it go.

2009-12-08T09:59:00.000-08:00

"true faith is loving a person after he has hurt you. true love makes you stand out....christ commands that we give without expecting anything in return...do you give to those who cannot repay you? to those who would harm you, if they could? to those who have already done harm to you? this is christ's love."

patient.

kind.

does not envy.

does not boast.

is not proud.

is not rude.

is not self-seeking.

is not easily angered.

keeps no record of wrongs.

does not delight in evil.

rejoices with the truth.

always protects.

always trusts.

always hopes.

always perseveres.

never fails.

"and so i have come to understand that strength, inner strength, comes from receiving love as much as it comes from giving it...god's love will never change us if we don't accept it."

i'm learning to make god my refuge.

i'm learning to let him heal me.

let him guide me.

let him love me.

2009-11-27T02:21:00.001-08:00

"never give up on someone you can't go a day without thinking about."

shut up, middle school girls. such a dumb thing to say.

"the opposite of love is not hate. it's indifference."

i'm going to bed.

near to You, i am healing but it's taking so long.

i'm better near to You.

his

2009-11-15T19:51:00.000-08:00

job. job. job. (no, not an occupation or career. the one in the bible, job with a long o. get it right.)

job = god fearing man.

job = blessed man.

job = wealthy man.

job = family man.

and here comes satan, trying to tell god that job's faith is purely based on his blessing, the fact that god made his life essentially perfect - if he didn't have all of his material wealth and a healthy family, he wouldn't praise god.

but god knows job really loves him. so he puts his faith in job. and let's satan test him.

so he takes the material things away. he takes away his family. and still, job praises god.

"the lord gave and the lord has taken away; may the name of the lord be praised."

and of course satan isn't satisfied. he tests him again. he physically hurts him.

but god still loves job, still trusts job, still fights for job. his heart aches for job to stay with him. not to run away at the hurt, but to find his healing in him. if only job will stay, if only he will turn to god, he will bless him again, he will heal him again, he will hold him forever.

but job falters. and he questions god. he gets scared and he gets bitter and he gets sad.

and god reminds him who he is.

and job remembers. job stays.

"i know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be twarted...my ears had heard you but now my eyes have seen you."

he praises god, in the midst of strife. when satan took everything away.

so when we strip ourselves of all that we are, whose are we?

we. are. his.

job striped himself of everything, and he came to god.

and god healed him.

"the lord made him prosperous again and gave him twice as much as he had before."

what job thought was good, god doubled.

he gave him TWICE as much as he had before. so when we strip ourselves of everything, when we get rid of all the plans in our head, when we let go of everything in our lives, when we allow satan to take away the things we think we loved...and we still come to god...

he blesses us.

he heals us.

he holds us.

i'm ready for the doubled part. i know i don't deserve it, i know i'm not actually ready for it, but i want to be. i want to be completely satisfied with christ alone. i want my heart to be fulfilled with only him, completely only by him. and i'm not there yet. but i'm working on it. and i'm trying to strip myself of the rest.

cause i want to be made prosperous. twice as prosperous. i want to get through it all. i don't want to fight the shredding anymore. i don't want to hold on to the dirty. or the pretty. or the things in between.

i just want to be his.

close the door

2009-11-07T23:42:00.001-08:00

as hard as i could try, you will never be perfect to me again.

and even when you want me again, i will know you're not enough for me.

if it's all the same, i'd like to start over, i'd like to start over.

humility

2009-11-01T16:54:00.001-08:00

does this ever subside?

we talked about seeking god earnestly, but seeking him humbly. with humility. not denying our self worth, but authentically telling god we don't get it, but we want to. all this crap that people "see." do you really, though?

cause there is something that i don't really "see." i don't see why love on earth is so complicated. why it hurts so much when you dive into it. i don't see that. i gave my everything. everyday. i loved fully and completely and selflessly and it wasn't enough. it wasn't enough to hold on. they decided to search for something else, even though this was "flawless." even though i was "perfect." even though he was "happy."

why do i still love someone that wants more than me?

why does he still break my heart knowingly? even though it hurts him to see me like that?

why do i keep coming back and letting him do it again and again and again, in small and painful steps?

my love is useless.

i am used.

you've made me into someone who should not hold a loaded gun.

and now you sit upon my chest.

knock out my wind.

knock out my best.

i give my love away. knowingly. but completely. passionately. and i think that maybe once, it won't hurt. maybe once, it will be perfect, it will be the blessing god says it is. but i still lie awake waiting and waiting and waiting. i watch from a distance and see that i am not loved the same in return, and i don't think i ever will be again.

and so long to no disasters and mornings, too.

and so long to ever afters, so long to you.

and you know what god? i'm really trying to be patient in affliction. i'm really trying to wait for something better, trying to be joyful in hope. but it feels so far away. it feels impossible. i feel like i'm waiting for something that won't come.

and it's not because i don't have faith that you are good and true and love me. it's not that.

it's that i did love. i loved like you told me to. i loved with all of my being, and it wasn't enough.

and now i feel like that piece of me is gone. how do i make that heart whole again for someone new? and where do i find them? how do i attract them to me? because without that piece, i don't feel like i'm enough. and if all of me wasn't enough, how is the broken and the portion of me enough?

so is it really true when people say it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? because i don't know how much i believe that. at least i would be whole. at least i would be new. at least i would be pure.

i was completely selfless, and now i am being selfish. i want to know why. i want to know why you allowed me to love so deeply if you knew it was going to break me. if you knew i was going to be hurt everyday. why do you allow me to still love him completely? and why do you allow him to still hurt me even more? why won't you let me move on? why won't you let me let go?

i want to let go, i want to let go, i want to let go.

but i can't.

i can't stop loving.

and i can't stop hurting.

and i can't stop soaking my pillow with tears like david. because it hurts, god. it hurts a lot. i feel...dumb. i feel out of control. i know my love is good for him. i know my love helps heal him.

but what about me? what heals me?

he is not gentle with my heart. each broken promise pours salt in my open wounds. and i can only feel the pain anymore.

i am soft for only you.

impale me with your tongue, it's true, and slices of me piled sky high.

the same old me to the naked eye.

but i can't find myself tonight.

so god. i don't "see" this. i don't see why. i don't see why i love him.

cause i want to be loved, too.

rain

2009-10-11T23:55:00.001-07:00

i love you.

we're gonna make it.

dad knows the way home.

home

2009-10-04T22:15:00.000-07:00

sleep, don't weep, my sweet.

i hope i find a place where i feel that i belong.

sometimes i just bask in me. just me. and i forget about the good around me. so yes, maybe i could have stayed in love. or maybe my best friend could be closer. or maybe i would have been prettier or more secure or more vibrant if my mom would have stayed. but now it doesn't matter.

cause it isn't about me, is it?

jarred is joining our family in may. i have never seen my sister so happy. wedding dress shopping - it's true what they say about a blushing bride. she glows. she is brilliant. she is overcome with love, it makes me weak. i have never loved her more than when she is in love. jarred lifts her up to her highest. he makes her whole. he loves her.

and i feel them.

like nathan and maleah. they say that home is where the heart is. maleah is nathan's home. nathan is maleah's home. they shelter each other. they hold hands and hold hearts. they make people feel alive with their laughter and love. it's invigorating and intoxicating and too much for me to hold.

but the best is yet to come...

april 21.

i gotta make it there quickly.

because there is a baby in rachel's precious tummy. and it's growing and changing everyday and i want to watch it. i want to hold it. i want to love it so bad. i already do. i'm anticipating every moment, even half way across the country.

baby, i don't know your name or your favorite color or the silly things you will do when you're little. i don't know how fast you will learn to color in the lines or how thick your hair will be or if you will be quiet like your mom or obnoxiously loud like your dad. i don't know who your first crush will be or what bands you will listen to or if you'll like skinny jeans and v-necks or move on to better trends. but i love you already. so much i can't control it. i will be proud of you even when you fall off your bike. and i will laugh with you even when your friends are mean. and i will love you unconditionally. and i will try to teach you about jesus. and i will try to be the best me for you. and i won't ever let you feel unloved.

how did we get so far.

and how do we get back home.

love is risky

2009-09-08T14:38:00.000-07:00

recently i have been reading sex god, and as i explained to chris, rob bell writes spiritually how i comprehend. he writes the words that i am searching for in my head. sometimes it is the long way around. sometimes it is terribly complex for something so simple. and sometimes he uses analogies that at first have absolutely nothing to do what he's talking about, but he brings them full circle. it's refreshing. it's familiar. it's me.

bell talked about heartbreak in the last chapter.

today, i'm not going to put much time adding my own commentary. i think he does enough.

"anytime we move toward another in any way, we are taking a risk. a risk that she may say no. our gesture may not get returned. our invitation may be rejected. our love may not be reciprocated.

there's a scene in the song of songs, where the woman sees her lover and he's coming towards her. but when he makes it to her house, he can't get in...and what is this chap saying to her? he says, 'arise my darling, my beautiful one, come with me.' he's inviting her to a new life. a life with him.

do you see the terrifying spot this puts her in?

what if it doesn't work out?

what if he isn't who he appears to be?

what if he's making the pitch to girls all over town?

what if he hits her?

what if he goes to war next year and doesn't return, ever?

what if her family doesn't think he's right for her, and she goes anyway and it doesn't work out?

love is risky.

heartbreak is a universal feeling because we're feeling something as old as the world. something god feels.

the bible begins with god making people who have freedom. freedom to love god or not to love god. and these people consistently choose not to love god. it's written in genesis 6:6 that god 'regretted that he had made human beings on the earth, and his heart was deeply troubled.'

a heart that feels.

that responds.

that hurts.

that fills with pain.

god...grieving.

god takes this giant risk in creating and loving people, and in the process god's heart is broken.

again and again and again.

divine heartbreak.

love is handing your heart to someone and taking the risk that they will hand it back because they don't want it. that's why it's such a crushing ache on the inside.

we gave away a part of ourselves

and it wasn't wanted.

if you have ever given yourself to someone and had your heart broken, you know how god feels.

the cross is god's way of saying, 'i know what it's like.'

the cross is god taking on flesh and blood and saying, 'me too."

this is the god who holds out his hands and asks, 'would you like to see the holes where the nails went? would that help?'

the danger is that you will decide it isn't worth it. why risk if it's going to hurt like this? the tragedy would be for you to shut down, to allow a wall to be built around your heart, and for something within you to die.

a decision not to risk again is a decision not to love again.

but if god can continue to risk, then maybe we can too.

love is risky for god too."

my heartbreak is divine. but it's closing my gap between god and me. he knows how i have felt.

that's why i'm trusting him. to give me the courage to risk again. and maybe a third time. as many times as it takes. with every broken relationship, every broken heart, regarding more than a high school sweetheart or a mom or a best friend. it's all inclusive.

it's every moment i have given a part of myself away

and it wasn't wanted.

love is risky.

so long

2009-09-04T00:10:00.000-07:00

you made me pretty.

and so long to ever after.

and so long to you.

i long to feel you

2009-08-30T21:37:00.000-07:00

i know i need you,
i need to love you.
i love to see you, but it's been so long...
i long to feel you,
i feel this need for you.
and i need to hear you.

is that so wrong?

i hear you say, "my love is over.
it's underneath, it's inside,
it's in between.
the times you doubt me,
when you can't feel.
the times that you question, 'is this for real?'
the times you are broken,
the times that you mend.
the times that you hate me,
and the times that you bend.
well, my love is over, it's underneath.
it's inside, it's in between.
the times you're healing
and when your heart breaks.
the times that you feel like you're falling from grace.
the times you're hurting,
the times that you heal.
the times you go hungry,
and are tempted to steal.
the times of confusion, in chaos and pain.
i'm there in your sorrow,
under the weight of your shame.
i'm there through your heartache,
i'm there in the storm.
my love, i will keep you,
by my power alone.
i don't care where you fall,
where you have been.
i'll never forsake you,
my love never ends.

but i long to feel you.

is that so wrong?

i need to hear you.

an unreachable dream

2009-08-22T23:02:00.000-07:00

what if it's all impossible?

what if this is forever?

then my hope is failing.

warrior princess

2009-08-18T01:19:00.000-07:00

this is all from my phone because my 15" macbook pro was just ordered today. :)

Tonight i have a fever. My body is aching, my head is pounding and i can't seem to keep a constant temperature. Thus, the 3am post. A little miserable, but i'll make it through.

Since friday, i have been rushing. And tonight, i struggled with that realization because i was surrounded by sorority girls that make me remember why i was hesitant to join in the first place. I don't like being obnoxious all the time or always having my makeup perfect and i definitely don't crave alcohol. but because of all of that, i've also been reminded that this is a potential gutter. A potential place to reveal god. I don't know how or when, but i think those are details that he'll take care of, as long as i am truly searching for an answer.

I'm trying to be that warrior princess, niki.

I missed my best friends tonight. But i'm 'reaming,' so don't worry about me. :)

2009-08-14T00:33:00.000-07:00

college.

umm.

i will be found by you

2009-07-27T21:34:00.000-07:00

this is the world as we know it.

this is goodbye gravity, you no longer keep me grounded.

2 weeks, 4 days until this is not my bed any longer.

it's kind of hard to wrap my head around that. even with explosions in the sky and sigur ros playing in the background, the boldness of that very statement hasn't settled yet. am i ready for that?

am i?

eff.

i want to say more, but my head is consumed with college. i feel typical. but we'll move on.

come thou fount of every blessing

tune my heart to sing thy grace

streams of mercy never ceasing

call for songs of loudest praise

jesus saught me when a stranger

wandering from the fold of god

he to rescue me from danger

interposed his precious blood

oh, to grace how great a debtor

daily i'm constrained to thee

let that grace now like a fetter

bind my wandering heart to thee

prone to wander, lord i feel it

prone to leave the god i love

here's my heart, oh take and seal it

seal it for thy courts above

i want to be at the place where i can raise my ebenezar, my "stone of help." it's harder than you think, because i'm prone to wander, prone to leave the god i love. i come to this place in christianity where i think it's ok to stall. when god is moving, and i'm actually backing away, telling him this is enough. god, why do i do that? why do you let me do that?

where did i run for so long? where did i go?

back to you, so you can dwell in me richly. so i can experience your peace. so i can be different. so i can be better. so i can be free.

i think for a long time, i didn't know what peace was, beyond an annoying symbol twelve year old girls seem to be obsessed with. "the peace of christ." someone asked me what that was.

so first, i think we have to define what peace is.

peace is a calming.

peace is understanding.

peace is a security.

peace is a friend.

peace is a savior.

peace is a comforter.

peace is a healer.

chris seidman says that peace is not the absence of fear, but god present in the storm.

so what peace do we have in our lives?

we have peace that he heals us.

peace that he forgives us.

peace that he provides for us.

peace that he has eternal life for us.

peace that he knows us.

peace that he created us.

peace that he embraces us.

peace that he bears our burdens.

peace that he has a purpose for us.

my god is big.

"let the peace of christ rule in your hearts." -colossians 3:15

"seek peace and pursue it." -psalm 34:14

"a heart at peace gives life to the body." -proverbs 14:30

"for he himself is our peace." -ephesians 2:14

right now, i'm struggling to see god's peace. to be honest, i just don't know where i'm headed. the location, maybe. but the path...i don't know what god has for me. so my peace comes from this. i have to have faith in this. i have to trust in this. i have to believe in this...

"for i know the plans i have for you," declares the lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

please don't stop there...keep going...

then you will call upon me and come and pray to me...

run back to god...

and i will listen to you.

you will seek me and -find me- when you seek me with your whole heart.

i will be found by you.

that is when my peace will come. when i quit wandering from the god i love. when i seek him. i will find him.

and jesus said, "peace i leave with you; my peace i give you."

maybe not

2009-07-19T23:16:00.000-07:00

i never thought i could love anyone but myself.

but you make me think that maybe i won't die alone.

cornerstone

2009-07-11T01:21:00.000-07:00

i'm leaving tomorrow afternoon for oklahoma city, and honestly, i am just so excited for a blessed week.

take me.

use me.

renew me.

i am ready for that.

doubting thomas

2009-07-07T23:19:00.000-07:00

this is for payton, for three reasons.

1) he inspires me daily.

2) i see him in t-minus three days.

and 3) my laundry is spinning in the wishy washy machine and the cat box is clean and i'm settling down for a good night of blogster. mm. refreshing.

hey, let's begin with a terribly awkward and funny moment. i went to get some immunizations for school today (rock chalk? yes, i just said that) and as we're walking into the doctor's office, my mom is like, "you are a grown woman. have you had a pap smear?" WHAT. NO. STOP. MOM, WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME THAT???? kind of funny considering SOMEONE asked me just three days ago if i've ever visited the gynecologist. weirdo.

and then i remembered when chris and kenzie and i discussed whether a husband being a gynecologist would put stress on a marriage, looking at females all day.

this has gotten awfully inappropriate so fast. i have to stop.

ok, wait. that wasn't a good intro. start over. so last night i crawled into bed with my parents. yes, literally. judge me. first, it felt great because my mom was there. like when i was little. and her presence was gone for three years. and like when i was four years old, i snuggled up next to her while my dad tried to find something other than porn to watch. turned out to be ESPN, caught a glimpse of mr. incredible, also known as stephen curry, and superman, blake griffin. great night. i'm such a boy sometimes.

ugh. i write so awkward.

ugh. i'm so awkward.

love me.

real topics now?

yeah, ok.

"i want something real for my faith, i know jesus isn't going to ring my doorbell or anything, but when can i get over this hump of christianity where i can truly believe, will i ever?

i love this story of thomas, i am thomas. he was such a doubter. huertez talks about how the lost and lonely people are the wounds of jesus and until we reach out and feel the wounds of jesus, if we humble ourselves for christ and submit our lives to him, we can begin to believe, to get a little bit closer. "

thank you, payton.

i am thomas. more than you will ever know. it's sad that after every sermon proving christ through documentation or archeological findings or geographical formations, i am like, "YEAH, JESUS!" and not because i'm sticking it to the man, but because it's like, "hey, i'm not a crazy person!"

but seriously...do i really need all of that? i mean, doesn't god prove his existence through the moon that was so incredibly bright last night? or the way the human body works? or through every detail of our universe?

more so, he proves himself through his acts of mercy. through his extended arms. through his unconditional love.

right? but let's be honest...

do i always believe that? no. i have those "spiritual humps of christianity." not every once in a while, but constantly. and it's because when i want god to wrap his arms around me, i want that physical touch. when i want to hear god, i want to feel the whisper in my ear. one time, i heard someone describe their desire to be close to god as "i want to walk so close to him i can feel the dust from his feet." but i'm never going to actually feel that. and it drives me crazy.

i'm not so great at this thing called faith.

i'm a doubting thomas.

you know, the thing about thomas is everyone criticized him. but i know how that feels. i think everyone that grew up in the church somewhat feels what he felt, what i've felt. in john 20:25, thomas finds out about jesus' resurrection from his friends, the other disciples.

"we have seen the lord!"

his friends told him. like our parents have told us. or like our friends have told us - about christ. but until WE experience him, we doubt. until WE feel the nail marks in his hands and put our fingers where the nails were and put our hands into his side, we sometimes have our spiritual humps. and how do we feel the nail marks? how do we put our hands into his speared side? when we experience the love of christ and the blessings of christ and god truly moving in our lives.

for me, when my mom walked out the door. and came back three years later.

for me, when i was in an unhealthy relationship, and he not only took me away from that, but he gave me better.

and for me, when every penny of my college is taken care of, when my test scores are too high to actually represent me, when i stress about not being smart enough or good enough and i am accepted into the best scholarship hall and asked to take the highest honors courses.

things i do not deserve. that's when i experience him. when i believe in him. when i understand him.

but what about when the good falls short...that's the true test. so today, i am challenging you to see god in the storm. to see him when your mom leaves. to see him when your boyfriend breaks up with you. to see him when you've filled out a million scholarships and don't see any results and cry because you're positive you failed the ACT. look for him, search for him.

be patient and wait.

he is there. you just have to look.

the fountainhead

2009-07-06T18:02:00.000-07:00

ugh.

i'm missing what i never had.

am i ever going to have that subconscious dream? will i ever grasp it? was it ever meant to happen? maybe. maybe not.

read the fountainhead. ignore rand's atheism.

"she could not have reached this white serenity except as the sum of all the colors, of all the violence she had known."

"why do they always teach us that it's easy and evil to do what we want and that we need discipline to restrain ourselves? it's the hardest thing in the world--to do what we want. and it takes the greatest kind of courage. i mean, what we really want."

"i breathe for my own necessity, for the fuel of my body, for my survival...i've given you, not my sacrifice or my pity, but my ego and my naked need..."

"i think the only cardinal evil on earth is that of placing your prime concern within other men."

"...that love is reverence, and worship, and glory, and the upward glance. not a bandage for dirty sores. but they don't know it. those who speak of love most promiscuously are the ones who've never felt it. they make some sort of feeble stew out of sympathy, compassion, contempt and general indifference, and they call it love. once you've felt what it means to love as you and I know it--the total passion for the total height--you're incapable of anything less."

"a building has integrity, just as a man and just as seldom."

"she thought how strange it would be if she ever said "hello" to him; one did not greet oneself each morning."

"and that's the sin that can't be forgiven-that i hadn't done what i wanted."

slow down.

come, follow me

2009-07-05T22:48:00.001-07:00

there's been a lot on my mind lately. welcome to my life, right? this isn't unusual. but still, a lot there.

and tonight, i'll attempt to sort a few things out.

first, i really hate cleaning the cat box. that is like my number one chore. ok, my only real chore, but i'm working two jobs here and it's just a terrible way to end my night. as much as i love my cats, i really hate their hair all over my clothes and having to scoop their feces into a plastic bag. there was an infomercial over this cat magic thing, a self-cleaning litter box - it was fantastic. i actually asked for it for my birthday. didn't happen, obviously, but it would have been a great investment. i would love to explain how it worked, automatically recycling the litter and disposing of the cat waste, but quite frankly, you have probably stopped reading by now. and if not, we need to get down to business.

wait...let me go clean the cat box first.

literally.....

ugh. worst five minutes of my day.

i don't even know where to start.

first, i miss writing editorials. i miss being needed at my school. lame, i realize that, so wait a couple minutes before you judge me. i just miss working independently and seeing the finished product - physically seeing the quality of my work, MY stories, MY layouts, MY pictures, MY newspaper. it was mine, mine to share. mine to enjoy, to let others enjoy. i miss that. i miss working independently for hours at a time, with my ipod, a blank tabloid indesign document and the best i had to offer. and yes, i still write for the derby newspaper, but who cares about a world champion yo-yoer performing whirling tips and tricks for six year olds at the library? it's not even the same caliber. i'm using pagemaker 6.5, for god's sake.

ugh. i just want it back.

secondly, my relationships have been spinning lately. out of control, in twelve zillion directions. today, i realized that three months ago, i truly thought i had everything figured out, and dangit jesus, you had to throw me in a new direction. i mean, thank you for that, i really needed it, cause it wasn't the right relationship, it wasn't what he had planned for me because it wasn't the best. it needed to be fixed. but that meant i had to be broken.

and so he broke me. my jesus broke me.

because he loved me.

and he has better for me.

how incredible is that? my god is smart. but difficult. sometimes, i just want to tell him what to do, like i know better. like, come on savior, i know that you created the world and all, but i am 18 years old. at times like that, i just need to shut up. to stop telling god what to do.

three months ago, i told god to give me a life with a certain boy. to wrap my life around him, to merge my path into his, to hand over half of my spiritual life to him. i thought that would work. i thought i could give him life.

but wait. i can't even figure out my own.

like i said, god is throwing so many things at me regarding relationships. but i'm trusting in the end, he will show me where to go, and with whom.

and on that note, i've really appreciated my relationships with christians lately. it doesn't make me want to go to harding any more, but it does make me realize the difference between those with worldly motives and those with heavenly ones. my love for them is pure. it's real. it's vivid. it's centered around christ. and because of that, i know that it will last.

cornerstone is coming quickly, and i'm ready to shine for christ there. i'm ready to lead the most fragile middle school girls, to mold them into god's precious clay. i'm ready to be inspired, and to cry. i'm ready to hurt for them, to love for them, to grow with them, to hold them, to be touched by them, to see what god meant by "let the little children come to me."

so i've been talking about christ a lot lately, but let's get back to the bible.

matthew 4:19-20

"come, follow me," jesus said, "and i will make you fisher of men."

wait. this is peter and andrew. two fishermen. and this random guy tells them to quit their jobs, and to learn how to fish for people. there is no prior knowledge as to who he is or what he is asking them to do.

verse 20 is what fascinates me.

at ONCE, they left their nets and followed him.

THIS IS INSANE. even more insane is when he calles james and john, and they leave both their jobs and their father. how did they get the courage and the trust to do that? when they knew nothing about him?

so why is it so hard for us to do the same? when we know him, we know he is the creator of all things, the king of kings, the prince of peace, the glory and the lamb? we know he heals and he saves and he provides an eternal reassurance of hope. but not only do we hesitate, but when we finally get there...we finally trust him and follow him...we run away. we are the prostitute, we are the adulterer, we are the sinner grasping for someone else's love. that's what i did when i begged god for MY relationship. when i tried to take control. it wasn't because i knew that was best. it's because that relationship had become my god, and i wanted the almighty to be ok with it. i ran away. i was gomer. my god is hosea. and he loves me and lets me run away and still, pays for my sinning soul to come into his arms, instead of the arms of another man.

so come, follow him.

and he will make you fishers of men.

2009-01-25T21:28:00.001-08:00

i won't walk away.

but give me a reason to stay.

2009-01-20T20:31:00.000-08:00

i thought this time was different. as always.

there are other ways, dearest.

(gain it the right way.)

i am still surrounded with a new feeling of home. the front door is simply open now, and it's cold outside.

2009-01-15T20:53:00.000-08:00

i can't even describe why i'm so blissful.

except that i serve a big God.

i am loved.

2008-12-27T20:20:00.000-08:00

take three.

2008-12-07T07:19:00.001-08:00

today, i'm going to start to get better.

i love you!!!!!!

just believe in me.

2008-12-06T16:32:00.001-08:00

this is a lonely place to be.

2008-11-30T11:11:00.000-08:00

i'm trying to find the words and i'm everything but prepared.
i don't exemplify the life i want you to live.
i should have started at the beginning, i should have tried harder, been better, shared more.
i've pushed the peace, the comfort, the love, the freedom, the understanding, the mercy, the happiness so far from your sight.

i don't know how to start over.

2008-11-24T21:10:00.000-08:00

this makes me stronger and sweeter and spontaneous.
i love you.

2008-11-23T23:02:00.000-08:00

you mean much more to me than you realize.

love is enough for me.

2008-11-18T18:23:00.000-08:00

sometimes i just want love to be flawless. i don't want any obstacles. i just want time and energy and for miles to disappear. i want schedules to align and the security that it's not going anywhere. i want what's written in a book. i want a true fantasy.

but love takes patience.

i don't like waiting patiently...

2008-11-11T13:48:00.000-08:00

two.

sometimes love has to overcome distance. it must persevere through miles. but it's better that way. it's proven. it's tested. love has overcome, and tastes so sweet.

2008-11-10T21:31:00.000-08:00

day one:

love shares. it is selfless. it listens and learns.