first, i effing hate stupid blog layouts. it makes me feel like i'm 12 and this is myspace. just give me something simple. why is tumblr so much better in this department? blogger, you're insane.


and on that note, why am i so grumpy? why have my responses been so down trodden today? lame, jbones.


"you look gorgeous today."
but do i?
"how are you?"
ready for homework to be over.
"you should model."
that's dumb.
"here's a 50/50 on your test."
glad i didn't do so hot on the other one.
"you should blog more."
but should i?

CAN YOU JUST STOP THAT?

yeah, i'm yelling at myself.


so now what's built up? what's blocking this view of perfection? what the hell is doing this to me?
options:
1) depressing (but so beautiful) music playing in the background.
2) too many assignments at once.
3) cynicism. typical.
4) daydreams being interrupted by real life.
5) waking up early.
6) wasted efforts.
7) detachment.
8) separation.

ahh, i love how the list gets more vague as we move along...


1) music, where have you gone in my life? i truly feel like i'm missing a piece of my soul, or maybe a piece of my body. there isn't a single complete album right now that is tugging at my heart strings, begging to be played on repeat in my car or on baby mac, and because of that, i feel like my gall bladder is missing. something so small, but so vital. i don't want to die. give me my gall bladder back. someone, anyone, gently hand me the music that will encompass first semester sophomore year.

2) college makes me question my education. in a way that i want to quit. i've never wanted to quit in my life, but now, i do. rather than music, THIS is what is tugging at my scruples. scruples doesn't even fit in this context, but i'm going to pretend. i learned the word scruples when i was in the 6th grade. i miss 6th grade, for the simple fact that i wasn't so bitter. my fingers are literally itching at this moment because i can taste exactly how many of these sentences are not entirely grammatically correct, how many of them go against AP style. SCREW YOU, AP STYLEBOOK. i hate you. i hate you, but i'm starting to love you. and that makes me angry again, that i would start to crave a book of judgement that tells me everything i'm doing wrong. just let me blog, just let me make fragments without pulling at my conscious, screeching in my head to use correct punctuation, to capitalize, to spell out numbers between one and ten. no. no. no. watch this, J301:

hopefully i will get 7 lobsters to kiss my cheeks in california on tuesday evening at 5pm.

i know, i struggled to type that one, too...

3) see #2. and #1. and to top that off, i want to just erase the past. why does everything spin in circles when i'm ready to throw it out the window? i don't need it anymore, i don't need to relive the days, the minutes, the seconds that are imprinted in my memory regarding me getting hurt. i'm over it, already. so memories, bitterness, loneliness, heart break, why are you still there? don't be so selfish - happiness wants me now, let him have a turn. at least give him a shot. because believe it or not, he's the one i really want, the one that wants me. it's crazy how that works, right? sometimes things can go right. can't they?
oh, and this reminds me of #1. here's the deal, music...you're great, and i love you bringing me back to all of these times in my life, i like reminiscing. but do you really need to play taylor swifts' "christmases when you were mine"? come, on. i'm not 18 anymore, i'm not still in love with a boy that doesn't want me. proof: i might be in love with someone else.

4) it's frustrating when present day real-life interrupts my daydreams that are my future real-life. hence, #2.

5) self-explanitory.

6) here is when my self-pity culminates. i feel like i've put out a pretty valiant effort to ask someone to stay at KU. a valiant effort with completely rational reasonings. a valiant effort with monetary gifts. and yet it's like my words, my actions, my efforts don't even matter. i don't know many things, but i know that i am realistic. to an annoying extent. but no, instead, you're going to give me these stupid excuses so you can move home to a boy? i am simply offended, and feel used. why did i even care to begin with? i just want people to grow up.
that's a selfish thing to ask. no one should ever have to grow up faster than they want to.

7) i want to be more involved in people's lives that i should be involved in. confusing, but listen...sometimes it's difficult for me to produce a yearning to put out an effort to be around, to say hello, to spend time with someone when i know that it would never be returned. you can complain that i am not here, and that when i am, i am just detached...but you would never do anything to change that. ahh, it comes back to me resisting...people.

but can i tell you something before all of your judgment settles in? i have so much love to give, i really do. so much sometimes i feel like i'm about to burst. i can't explain it, but i want to love someone, i want to love something, and i DO, for the first time in a while, i DO love someone. i've always loved my family, and i love my best friends (which we'll get to in #8), but now i love someone outside of them. but i also want to love a kitty. and my kids at BGC. and a new friend.

8) best friends, why can't we just be together? megan, come home. kellie, come to me. emily, don't let us drift apart.
i daydream about us living in one place and spontaneously having adventures and late night talks every day. i miss all of you. so much it hurts.






the self-pity is over. i'm annoyed with myself.



i'm sorry, please forgive me.
believe me if you would.

this is kind of old. but fairly recent. i don't know the difference sometimes.





feel the pain teaching us how much more we can take, reminding us how far we’ve come. let the pain burn away from our hearts, we have time to start all over again.

i spent over a year denying this. i spent a year telling myself that it wasn’t possible to fall in love again, telling myself that i didn’t have time to start again. i said that the pain didn’t teach me that i could take more, but that i was at my limit, a breaking point with relationships. i thought i had experienced something incredible, but it turned out to be fraud. it broke every part of me, and then i was lost in this swirl of cynicism. and in truth, it really was just my adolescent oblivion believing it was flawless, when in actuality, it was so full of faults it was bursting at the seams. but because of that, i didn’t think i could love anyone again, i didn’t think anyone could love me; at least not in the utterly complete way i needed. they could love parts of me, the concept of me, but not what was actually there.

i didn’t think i could be loved…or maybe i didn’t want to be.

but...
things have changed. dramatically. my heart is still there telling me no, but my head is reasoning that maybe it’s time. it’s a battle between my desires and my logic, my stubbornness and my ability to open up. what if my heart keeps telling me to be selfish and alone and unloved? it’s not best for anyone, but when you fall so far down and realize how fragile you are, parts of you, parts of me, start to say that it’s better to stay cracked than transformed and shattered again.

but my heart is new. my soul is just bruised. and you’re slowly healing me.

because of that, i’m scared out of my mind, like normal. i’m scared because i know i start to question things: if i deserve this, if i’m ready for this, if it’s really as perfect as it seems. i’m scared because i don’t want to become dependent on someone again, i’m scared because i promised myself that i wouldn’t ever let anyone mean that much to me again. all i wanted was to travel the world and wear skinny jeans and love jesus and move to africa. i wanted to do it alone…but only because i thought it would be easier. i wanted to do it alone because i didn’t think anyone would go with me.

and i’m scared to hold his hand.
i’m scared to hold his heart.
i’m scared to lay in bed with him all day.
i’m scared to spend every second of my free time talking to him.
i’m scared to have perfect weekends together.
i’m scared to think about him all day, every day.
i’m scared to be set free.
i’m scared of being spoiled.
i’m scared of being held.
i’m scared of sweet surprises.
i’m scared of a potential future.
i’m scared that i feel safe.
i’m scared that he will prove all of my ideas about love wrong.
i’m scared that i will admit these fears to him.
i’m scared that maybe i’m not scared at all, but just caught off guard.
or maybe i’m scared that i’m more scared than i can admit.
i’m scared i will be ripped apart when least expected.
i’m scared that i don’t ever want to be without him.

can you lie next to her and give her your heart as well as your body? and can you lie next to her and confess your love as well as your folly? and can you kneel before the king and say i’m clean?

essentially, i think i…_____ you.