my dearest blogger, it has been such a long time. and going back through these posts, i am so sad at these ideas i used to have in my head - and as recent as a year ago! praise god for growth.

if you scroll down two or three posts, all you'll see is my hesitance to recognize the good in god, the good in the world, the good in love. in fact, an old friend told me that love doesn't exist, and i hate to tell you i believed her.

but guess what?! i have this incredible secret: love DOES exist, and it's so much bigger and better and sweeter and fulfilling than anything i could have ever wanted. love is so good it's overwhelming and even makes me cry in happiness sometimes.

i am sad that i haven't documented the journey from where i was to where i am now, and i think the reason is because i was (am) one of those girls that only tends to write such eloquent words only when i'm let down or upset or betrayed or a combination of all the evil in the world (or something like that). but the past year has been such a perfect adventure into the person and the relationships i am and i have now. so i might have skipped the "getting there" part, but if you're reading this and you're thinking the same things i have put my faith in in the past, then let me assure you - what you have waiting is worth it.

once upon a time, i wrote this:

but my legs get tired when i swim,
and it's you that has let me in.
just don't let me drown in this sea,
because she told me, "love will set you free"
won't you help me believe?

i had finally gotten tired of running from boys and the idea of a forever love. this doesn't mean that i had started to believe that love was real just yet, but it meant i was tired of NOT believing in it. and to tell you the truth, it was so exhausting spiritually and emotionally and all i wanted was someone to prove me wrong, even in my stubbornness.

maybe what i should thank god for most, is that exhaustion. he broke me completely down, every barrier, every self-declared "truth"...and that is the only way that someone was able to pick up my limp and vulnerable self and help heal my bitter heart.

meet brandon:

this boy has my heart. and only because he took me in while i was still trying to swim in a sea of bitterness. he took all of my exhaustion and slowly but surely won me over with patience and kindness and silliness and willingness to be my best friend. this was the person that god had waiting for me all of this time, the person that was the most natural fit to my imperfections. all the while that i was trying to tell god that he was wrong, that he created something so awful called love, he was telling me to be patient and trust him and he would blow my mind away. and that he did. with this boy, the love of my life. every day of the past year and a half has been exactly what i needed. even the little arguments never cause me doubt that one day i will have a ring on my left hand and a blonde-haired, green-eyed perfect husband beside me.

but it wasn't just brandon that healed my heart...i have to give credit to my other best friend: emily. she's the one that kept encouraging me to wait, to be patient, to believe that i could have a love as precious and perfect as hers. she literally said, "jeni, one day you will know that love sets you free." she had the same experience in doubt, and she found what she was begging god for as soon as she became exhausted from searching. but i couldn't believe her. i thought she was lucky and i was destined to have an incredible brother-in-law but still be void of an incredible husband. i loved my sister so much while she kept telling me to have faith, but i felt so separated from her words and i couldn't explain to her how hopeless i felt. but that is it! it's because she knew how i felt! and she knew god's faithfulness to keep a promise! even though i kept crying when she told me i would find someone one day, i'm so happy she pushed me to give it a try again. her gentleness let me realize that brandon holding my heart was okay, and that if i let him, he would show me all of the love that i had been missing.

and that he did.

and here i am.

and i am happy and so in love.

and i plan to carry that love into eternity.

so keep your head up, sunshine. if you let love come to you, if you wait for such justified and tangible love, it will fill your heart completely and spill into the rest of your soul. it will consume you in the best ways, and give you a hope in the future and a faith in god's promises that cannot be broken.

love heals.

love exists.

love is real.

just wait for it.