my dearest blogger, it has been such a long time. and going back through these posts, i am so sad at these ideas i used to have in my head - and as recent as a year ago! praise god for growth.

if you scroll down two or three posts, all you'll see is my hesitance to recognize the good in god, the good in the world, the good in love. in fact, an old friend told me that love doesn't exist, and i hate to tell you i believed her.

but guess what?! i have this incredible secret: love DOES exist, and it's so much bigger and better and sweeter and fulfilling than anything i could have ever wanted. love is so good it's overwhelming and even makes me cry in happiness sometimes.

i am sad that i haven't documented the journey from where i was to where i am now, and i think the reason is because i was (am) one of those girls that only tends to write such eloquent words only when i'm let down or upset or betrayed or a combination of all the evil in the world (or something like that). but the past year has been such a perfect adventure into the person and the relationships i am and i have now. so i might have skipped the "getting there" part, but if you're reading this and you're thinking the same things i have put my faith in in the past, then let me assure you - what you have waiting is worth it.

once upon a time, i wrote this:

but my legs get tired when i swim,
and it's you that has let me in.
just don't let me drown in this sea,
because she told me, "love will set you free"
won't you help me believe?

i had finally gotten tired of running from boys and the idea of a forever love. this doesn't mean that i had started to believe that love was real just yet, but it meant i was tired of NOT believing in it. and to tell you the truth, it was so exhausting spiritually and emotionally and all i wanted was someone to prove me wrong, even in my stubbornness.

maybe what i should thank god for most, is that exhaustion. he broke me completely down, every barrier, every self-declared "truth"...and that is the only way that someone was able to pick up my limp and vulnerable self and help heal my bitter heart.

meet brandon:

this boy has my heart. and only because he took me in while i was still trying to swim in a sea of bitterness. he took all of my exhaustion and slowly but surely won me over with patience and kindness and silliness and willingness to be my best friend. this was the person that god had waiting for me all of this time, the person that was the most natural fit to my imperfections. all the while that i was trying to tell god that he was wrong, that he created something so awful called love, he was telling me to be patient and trust him and he would blow my mind away. and that he did. with this boy, the love of my life. every day of the past year and a half has been exactly what i needed. even the little arguments never cause me doubt that one day i will have a ring on my left hand and a blonde-haired, green-eyed perfect husband beside me.

but it wasn't just brandon that healed my heart...i have to give credit to my other best friend: emily. she's the one that kept encouraging me to wait, to be patient, to believe that i could have a love as precious and perfect as hers. she literally said, "jeni, one day you will know that love sets you free." she had the same experience in doubt, and she found what she was begging god for as soon as she became exhausted from searching. but i couldn't believe her. i thought she was lucky and i was destined to have an incredible brother-in-law but still be void of an incredible husband. i loved my sister so much while she kept telling me to have faith, but i felt so separated from her words and i couldn't explain to her how hopeless i felt. but that is it! it's because she knew how i felt! and she knew god's faithfulness to keep a promise! even though i kept crying when she told me i would find someone one day, i'm so happy she pushed me to give it a try again. her gentleness let me realize that brandon holding my heart was okay, and that if i let him, he would show me all of the love that i had been missing.

and that he did.

and here i am.

and i am happy and so in love.

and i plan to carry that love into eternity.

so keep your head up, sunshine. if you let love come to you, if you wait for such justified and tangible love, it will fill your heart completely and spill into the rest of your soul. it will consume you in the best ways, and give you a hope in the future and a faith in god's promises that cannot be broken.

love heals.

love exists.

love is real.

just wait for it.

first, i effing hate stupid blog layouts. it makes me feel like i'm 12 and this is myspace. just give me something simple. why is tumblr so much better in this department? blogger, you're insane.


and on that note, why am i so grumpy? why have my responses been so down trodden today? lame, jbones.


"you look gorgeous today."
but do i?
"how are you?"
ready for homework to be over.
"you should model."
that's dumb.
"here's a 50/50 on your test."
glad i didn't do so hot on the other one.
"you should blog more."
but should i?

CAN YOU JUST STOP THAT?

yeah, i'm yelling at myself.


so now what's built up? what's blocking this view of perfection? what the hell is doing this to me?
options:
1) depressing (but so beautiful) music playing in the background.
2) too many assignments at once.
3) cynicism. typical.
4) daydreams being interrupted by real life.
5) waking up early.
6) wasted efforts.
7) detachment.
8) separation.

ahh, i love how the list gets more vague as we move along...


1) music, where have you gone in my life? i truly feel like i'm missing a piece of my soul, or maybe a piece of my body. there isn't a single complete album right now that is tugging at my heart strings, begging to be played on repeat in my car or on baby mac, and because of that, i feel like my gall bladder is missing. something so small, but so vital. i don't want to die. give me my gall bladder back. someone, anyone, gently hand me the music that will encompass first semester sophomore year.

2) college makes me question my education. in a way that i want to quit. i've never wanted to quit in my life, but now, i do. rather than music, THIS is what is tugging at my scruples. scruples doesn't even fit in this context, but i'm going to pretend. i learned the word scruples when i was in the 6th grade. i miss 6th grade, for the simple fact that i wasn't so bitter. my fingers are literally itching at this moment because i can taste exactly how many of these sentences are not entirely grammatically correct, how many of them go against AP style. SCREW YOU, AP STYLEBOOK. i hate you. i hate you, but i'm starting to love you. and that makes me angry again, that i would start to crave a book of judgement that tells me everything i'm doing wrong. just let me blog, just let me make fragments without pulling at my conscious, screeching in my head to use correct punctuation, to capitalize, to spell out numbers between one and ten. no. no. no. watch this, J301:

hopefully i will get 7 lobsters to kiss my cheeks in california on tuesday evening at 5pm.

i know, i struggled to type that one, too...

3) see #2. and #1. and to top that off, i want to just erase the past. why does everything spin in circles when i'm ready to throw it out the window? i don't need it anymore, i don't need to relive the days, the minutes, the seconds that are imprinted in my memory regarding me getting hurt. i'm over it, already. so memories, bitterness, loneliness, heart break, why are you still there? don't be so selfish - happiness wants me now, let him have a turn. at least give him a shot. because believe it or not, he's the one i really want, the one that wants me. it's crazy how that works, right? sometimes things can go right. can't they?
oh, and this reminds me of #1. here's the deal, music...you're great, and i love you bringing me back to all of these times in my life, i like reminiscing. but do you really need to play taylor swifts' "christmases when you were mine"? come, on. i'm not 18 anymore, i'm not still in love with a boy that doesn't want me. proof: i might be in love with someone else.

4) it's frustrating when present day real-life interrupts my daydreams that are my future real-life. hence, #2.

5) self-explanitory.

6) here is when my self-pity culminates. i feel like i've put out a pretty valiant effort to ask someone to stay at KU. a valiant effort with completely rational reasonings. a valiant effort with monetary gifts. and yet it's like my words, my actions, my efforts don't even matter. i don't know many things, but i know that i am realistic. to an annoying extent. but no, instead, you're going to give me these stupid excuses so you can move home to a boy? i am simply offended, and feel used. why did i even care to begin with? i just want people to grow up.
that's a selfish thing to ask. no one should ever have to grow up faster than they want to.

7) i want to be more involved in people's lives that i should be involved in. confusing, but listen...sometimes it's difficult for me to produce a yearning to put out an effort to be around, to say hello, to spend time with someone when i know that it would never be returned. you can complain that i am not here, and that when i am, i am just detached...but you would never do anything to change that. ahh, it comes back to me resisting...people.

but can i tell you something before all of your judgment settles in? i have so much love to give, i really do. so much sometimes i feel like i'm about to burst. i can't explain it, but i want to love someone, i want to love something, and i DO, for the first time in a while, i DO love someone. i've always loved my family, and i love my best friends (which we'll get to in #8), but now i love someone outside of them. but i also want to love a kitty. and my kids at BGC. and a new friend.

8) best friends, why can't we just be together? megan, come home. kellie, come to me. emily, don't let us drift apart.
i daydream about us living in one place and spontaneously having adventures and late night talks every day. i miss all of you. so much it hurts.






the self-pity is over. i'm annoyed with myself.



i'm sorry, please forgive me.
believe me if you would.

this is kind of old. but fairly recent. i don't know the difference sometimes.





feel the pain teaching us how much more we can take, reminding us how far we’ve come. let the pain burn away from our hearts, we have time to start all over again.

i spent over a year denying this. i spent a year telling myself that it wasn’t possible to fall in love again, telling myself that i didn’t have time to start again. i said that the pain didn’t teach me that i could take more, but that i was at my limit, a breaking point with relationships. i thought i had experienced something incredible, but it turned out to be fraud. it broke every part of me, and then i was lost in this swirl of cynicism. and in truth, it really was just my adolescent oblivion believing it was flawless, when in actuality, it was so full of faults it was bursting at the seams. but because of that, i didn’t think i could love anyone again, i didn’t think anyone could love me; at least not in the utterly complete way i needed. they could love parts of me, the concept of me, but not what was actually there.

i didn’t think i could be loved…or maybe i didn’t want to be.

but...
things have changed. dramatically. my heart is still there telling me no, but my head is reasoning that maybe it’s time. it’s a battle between my desires and my logic, my stubbornness and my ability to open up. what if my heart keeps telling me to be selfish and alone and unloved? it’s not best for anyone, but when you fall so far down and realize how fragile you are, parts of you, parts of me, start to say that it’s better to stay cracked than transformed and shattered again.

but my heart is new. my soul is just bruised. and you’re slowly healing me.

because of that, i’m scared out of my mind, like normal. i’m scared because i know i start to question things: if i deserve this, if i’m ready for this, if it’s really as perfect as it seems. i’m scared because i don’t want to become dependent on someone again, i’m scared because i promised myself that i wouldn’t ever let anyone mean that much to me again. all i wanted was to travel the world and wear skinny jeans and love jesus and move to africa. i wanted to do it alone…but only because i thought it would be easier. i wanted to do it alone because i didn’t think anyone would go with me.

and i’m scared to hold his hand.
i’m scared to hold his heart.
i’m scared to lay in bed with him all day.
i’m scared to spend every second of my free time talking to him.
i’m scared to have perfect weekends together.
i’m scared to think about him all day, every day.
i’m scared to be set free.
i’m scared of being spoiled.
i’m scared of being held.
i’m scared of sweet surprises.
i’m scared of a potential future.
i’m scared that i feel safe.
i’m scared that he will prove all of my ideas about love wrong.
i’m scared that i will admit these fears to him.
i’m scared that maybe i’m not scared at all, but just caught off guard.
or maybe i’m scared that i’m more scared than i can admit.
i’m scared i will be ripped apart when least expected.
i’m scared that i don’t ever want to be without him.

can you lie next to her and give her your heart as well as your body? and can you lie next to her and confess your love as well as your folly? and can you kneel before the king and say i’m clean?

essentially, i think i…_____ you.

maybe this will help in the end.

maybe it won't all turn out wrong.

all i know is i don't want to feel myself slipping back into that trench of dependence. i just have to learn to...float. for a very long time.




but my legs get tired when i swim,
and it's you that has let me in.
just don't let me drown in this sea,
because she told me, "love will set you free"
won't you help me believe?

maybe if i just talked a little more…

since when have i become timid? is it timidity? or is it cynicism?

i realized tonight that i have to start letting go of things; things that i thought i had previously released from this clenched grasp of self-pity. i keep telling these same stories, with the same emotions, when really my perspective on them has changed. so shouldn’t my presentation of them change as well? or am i still that 15 year old girl that needs her mom? because i use bigger words and wear prettier dresses and sometimes let my hair down but that depth in my soul is still filled with the water of bitterness.

but i feel so much older...

and i suppose the maturity has started to take a more significant effect. i am able to see the good, to see the way that i’ve sprouted from a child to something much more. i still resemble one, don’t get me wrong - i wear silly bandz and run into fields of wildflowers - but now, rather than that precious oblivion, i see. this mess of mistakes is uncovered, exposed, and it simply makes me…sad. angry. cynical. i don’t know what you could call it, but i keep searching into the mess deeper and deeper, finding the foundations. but is that healthy? because then i start to despise people. i get to the point where i don’t want to interact with those that i once found so intriguing. i start hanging my head, looking more at my new vegan shoes than the man with curly hair and a crooked smile. i can’t continue this pattern of secluding myself from society if i’m ever going to have an authentic relationship with christ, thus ever going to have happiness, because those two are synonymous. i have to have both.
so maybe if i just started talking more, and listening more, not for the sake of listening but for the sake of learning. and then maybe, just maybe, my searching into the mess of mistakes will actually produce something fruitful - maybe it will produce healing and perspective and…better than anything else, something i’ve lost sight of in this mess…love.

love. love. love.

tangible love.

bona fide love.

honest, proven, credible love.

not just a word, but so much more. julie, you were right - it’s a love that only comes from a father. and when i stopped seeking the earthly version of that, i only searched for god. and it was refreshing, but almost exhausting. so i stopped. i stopped searching for -any- type of love. i thought it would be easier. but it’s even more draining.

your heart says not again.
what kind of mess have you got me in?
but when the feeling’s there,
it can lift you up, take you anywhere.
the gravel beneath you and the limbs above,
if anybody asks you where you’re coming from,
say, “love.” say for me, “love.”





i would like for every night to end with national geographic, the avett brothers, an old apartment with high ceilings and zero doors, singing sweetly under my breath to my favorite ingrid michaelson songs, and an oxford comma.





there’s only one thing here worth living of…
say, “love.” say for me, “love.”

how does it work, this whole love thing? because i guess i'm trying to get back to being even remotely intrigued by it, but it's difficult. and i guess that's because i'm confused. curious? not entirely, but just wondering how and why and where. i feel like the when will work itself out, but if i screw up the rest? it's debatable.

i guess we'll start with where. this "soul mate" - where do you meet them and where does it begin? a bar? a class? a concert? right, i get it, nobody knows. "it's different for everyone." fine. i guess i can deal with that.

now why? to fulfill natural human desires? to feel a purpose? to believe in yourself? to believe in someone else? to be completed? ok. i see that.

but how? how do you fall in love, how do you get someone to fall in love with you? is it really a natural process? how do you keep them around if you don't have the voice of patty griffin and the body of keira knightley mixed with creativity and enthusiasm and spontaneity and spunk? what makes you worth keeping? what makes anyone worth keeping?

love is a weird thing, i wish i could figure it out sometimes. but then i realize i fall in love often, with shoes and ideas and food and impossible dreams. how, and why, and where do you fall in love with irreplaceable people?


i've been waiting and waiting for my doubt to come.

if i had my way i would tear this all down, tear it down, tear it down, tear this all down.







maybe it's because i've felt so close, but i can't seem to grasp it in all of its glory.
so why?
and how?
and where?
am i going to love someone?

i don't even know where time is going, but it's slipping so far away from me.

my sister gets married in 11 days. i don't know how to handle this. i feel like when she becomes a wife, she will no longer be a sister. and i know that's not true, i know that's so silly to say, but i just feel...alone. because i'm selfish and i want her all to myself, but all to myself she is not happy. and so jarred, i will let you have her. but i hope she doesn't stop being my sister. because i need her.


what do you go home to?

i'm losing so much control of myself because i've kept together for too long.