rain

i love you.

we're gonna make it.

dad knows the way home.

home

sleep, don't weep, my sweet.

i hope i find a place where i feel that i belong.

sometimes i just bask in me. just me. and i forget about the good around me. so yes, maybe i could have stayed in love. or maybe my best friend could be closer. or maybe i would have been prettier or more secure or more vibrant if my mom would have stayed. but now it doesn't matter.

cause it isn't about me, is it?

jarred is joining our family in may. i have never seen my sister so happy. wedding dress shopping - it's true what they say about a blushing bride. she glows. she is brilliant. she is overcome with love, it makes me weak. i have never loved her more than when she is in love. jarred lifts her up to her highest. he makes her whole. he loves her.

and i feel them.

like nathan and maleah. they say that home is where the heart is. maleah is nathan's home. nathan is maleah's home. they shelter each other. they hold hands and hold hearts. they make people feel alive with their laughter and love. it's invigorating and intoxicating and too much for me to hold.

but the best is yet to come...

april 21.

i gotta make it there quickly.

because there is a baby in rachel's precious tummy. and it's growing and changing everyday and i want to watch it. i want to hold it. i want to love it so bad. i already do. i'm anticipating every moment, even half way across the country.

baby, i don't know your name or your favorite color or the silly things you will do when you're little. i don't know how fast you will learn to color in the lines or how thick your hair will be or if you will be quiet like your mom or obnoxiously loud like your dad. i don't know who your first crush will be or what bands you will listen to or if you'll like skinny jeans and v-necks or move on to better trends. but i love you already. so much i can't control it. i will be proud of you even when you fall off your bike. and i will laugh with you even when your friends are mean. and i will love you unconditionally. and i will try to teach you about jesus. and i will try to be the best me for you. and i won't ever let you feel unloved.

how did we get so far.

and how do we get back home.

love is risky

recently i have been reading sex god, and as i explained to chris, rob bell writes spiritually how i comprehend. he writes the words that i am searching for in my head. sometimes it is the long way around. sometimes it is terribly complex for something so simple. and sometimes he uses analogies that at first have absolutely nothing to do what he's talking about, but he brings them full circle. it's refreshing. it's familiar. it's me.

bell talked about heartbreak in the last chapter.

today, i'm not going to put much time adding my own commentary. i think he does enough.

"anytime we move toward another in any way, we are taking a risk. a risk that she may say no. our gesture may not get returned. our invitation may be rejected. our love may not be reciprocated.

there's a scene in the song of songs, where the woman sees her lover and he's coming towards her. but when he makes it to her house, he can't get in...and what is this chap saying to her? he says, 'arise my darling, my beautiful one, come with me.' he's inviting her to a new life. a life with him.

do you see the terrifying spot this puts her in?

what if it doesn't work out?

what if he isn't who he appears to be?

what if he's making the pitch to girls all over town?

what if he hits her?

what if he goes to war next year and doesn't return, ever?

what if her family doesn't think he's right for her, and she goes anyway and it doesn't work out?

love is risky.

heartbreak is a universal feeling because we're feeling something as old as the world. something god feels.

the bible begins with god making people who have freedom. freedom to love god or not to love god. and these people consistently choose not to love god. it's written in genesis 6:6 that god 'regretted that he had made human beings on the earth, and his heart was deeply troubled.'

a heart that feels.

that responds.

that hurts.

that fills with pain.

god...grieving.

god takes this giant risk in creating and loving people, and in the process god's heart is broken.

again and again and again.

divine heartbreak.

love is handing your heart to someone and taking the risk that they will hand it back because they don't want it. that's why it's such a crushing ache on the inside.

we gave away a part of ourselves

and it wasn't wanted.

if you have ever given yourself to someone and had your heart broken, you know how god feels.

the cross is god's way of saying, 'i know what it's like.'

the cross is god taking on flesh and blood and saying, 'me too."

this is the god who holds out his hands and asks, 'would you like to see the holes where the nails went? would that help?'

the danger is that you will decide it isn't worth it. why risk if it's going to hurt like this? the tragedy would be for you to shut down, to allow a wall to be built around your heart, and for something within you to die.

a decision not to risk again is a decision not to love again.

but if god can continue to risk, then maybe we can too.

love is risky for god too."

my heartbreak is divine. but it's closing my gap between god and me. he knows how i have felt.

that's why i'm trusting him. to give me the courage to risk again. and maybe a third time. as many times as it takes. with every broken relationship, every broken heart, regarding more than a high school sweetheart or a mom or a best friend. it's all inclusive.

it's every moment i have given a part of myself away

and it wasn't wanted.

love is risky.

so long

you made me pretty.

and so long to ever after.

and so long to you.

i long to feel you

i know i need you,
i need to love you.
i love to see you, but it's been so long...
i long to feel you,
i feel this need for you.
and i need to hear you.

is that so wrong?

i hear you say, "my love is over.
it's underneath, it's inside,
it's in between.
the times you doubt me,
when you can't feel.
the times that you question, 'is this for real?'
the times you are broken,
the times that you mend.
the times that you hate me,
and the times that you bend.
well, my love is over, it's underneath.
it's inside, it's in between.
the times you're healing
and when your heart breaks.
the times that you feel like you're falling from grace.
the times you're hurting,
the times that you heal.
the times you go hungry,
and are tempted to steal.
the times of confusion, in chaos and pain.
i'm there in your sorrow,
under the weight of your shame.
i'm there through your heartache,
i'm there in the storm.
my love, i will keep you,
by my power alone.
i don't care where you fall,
where you have been.
i'll never forsake you,
my love never ends.


but i long to feel you.

is that so wrong?

i need to hear you.

an unreachable dream

what if it's all impossible?

what if this is forever?

then my hope is failing.

warrior princess

this is all from my phone because my 15" macbook pro was just ordered today. :)

Tonight i have a fever. My body is aching, my head is pounding and i can't seem to keep a constant temperature. Thus, the 3am post. A little miserable, but i'll make it through.

Since friday, i have been rushing. And tonight, i struggled with that realization because i was surrounded by sorority girls that make me remember why i was hesitant to join in the first place. I don't like being obnoxious all the time or always having my makeup perfect and i definitely don't crave alcohol. but because of all of that, i've also been reminded that this is a potential gutter. A potential place to reveal god. I don't know how or when, but i think those are details that he'll take care of, as long as i am truly searching for an answer.

I'm trying to be that warrior princess, niki.


I missed my best friends tonight. But i'm 'reaming,' so don't worry about me. :)