come, follow me

there's been a lot on my mind lately. welcome to my life, right? this isn't unusual. but still, a lot there.

and tonight, i'll attempt to sort a few things out.

first, i really hate cleaning the cat box. that is like my number one chore. ok, my only real chore, but i'm working two jobs here and it's just a terrible way to end my night. as much as i love my cats, i really hate their hair all over my clothes and having to scoop their feces into a plastic bag. there was an infomercial over this cat magic thing, a self-cleaning litter box - it was fantastic. i actually asked for it for my birthday. didn't happen, obviously, but it would have been a great investment. i would love to explain how it worked, automatically recycling the litter and disposing of the cat waste, but quite frankly, you have probably stopped reading by now. and if not, we need to get down to business.

wait...let me go clean the cat box first.

literally.....

ugh. worst five minutes of my day.

i don't even know where to start.

first, i miss writing editorials. i miss being needed at my school. lame, i realize that, so wait a couple minutes before you judge me. i just miss working independently and seeing the finished product - physically seeing the quality of my work, MY stories, MY layouts, MY pictures, MY newspaper. it was mine, mine to share. mine to enjoy, to let others enjoy. i miss that. i miss working independently for hours at a time, with my ipod, a blank tabloid indesign document and the best i had to offer. and yes, i still write for the derby newspaper, but who cares about a world champion yo-yoer performing whirling tips and tricks for six year olds at the library? it's not even the same caliber. i'm using pagemaker 6.5, for god's sake.

ugh. i just want it back.

secondly, my relationships have been spinning lately. out of control, in twelve zillion directions. today, i realized that three months ago, i truly thought i had everything figured out, and dangit jesus, you had to throw me in a new direction. i mean, thank you for that, i really needed it, cause it wasn't the right relationship, it wasn't what he had planned for me because it wasn't the best. it needed to be fixed. but that meant i had to be broken.

and so he broke me. my jesus broke me.

because he loved me.

and he has better for me.

how incredible is that? my god is smart. but difficult. sometimes, i just want to tell him what to do, like i know better. like, come on savior, i know that you created the world and all, but i am 18 years old. at times like that, i just need to shut up. to stop telling god what to do.

three months ago, i told god to give me a life with a certain boy. to wrap my life around him, to merge my path into his, to hand over half of my spiritual life to him. i thought that would work. i thought i could give him life.

but wait. i can't even figure out my own.

like i said, god is throwing so many things at me regarding relationships. but i'm trusting in the end, he will show me where to go, and with whom.

and on that note, i've really appreciated my relationships with christians lately. it doesn't make me want to go to harding any more, but it does make me realize the difference between those with worldly motives and those with heavenly ones. my love for them is pure. it's real. it's vivid. it's centered around christ. and because of that, i know that it will last.

cornerstone is coming quickly, and i'm ready to shine for christ there. i'm ready to lead the most fragile middle school girls, to mold them into god's precious clay. i'm ready to be inspired, and to cry. i'm ready to hurt for them, to love for them, to grow with them, to hold them, to be touched by them, to see what god meant by "let the little children come to me."

so i've been talking about christ a lot lately, but let's get back to the bible.

matthew 4:19-20

"come, follow me," jesus said, "and i will make you fisher of men."

wait. this is peter and andrew. two fishermen. and this random guy tells them to quit their jobs, and to learn how to fish for people. there is no prior knowledge as to who he is or what he is asking them to do.

verse 20 is what fascinates me.

at ONCE, they left their nets and followed him.

THIS IS INSANE. even more insane is when he calles james and john, and they leave both their jobs and their father. how did they get the courage and the trust to do that? when they knew nothing about him?

so why is it so hard for us to do the same? when we know him, we know he is the creator of all things, the king of kings, the prince of peace, the glory and the lamb? we know he heals and he saves and he provides an eternal reassurance of hope. but not only do we hesitate, but when we finally get there...we finally trust him and follow him...we run away. we are the prostitute, we are the adulterer, we are the sinner grasping for someone else's love. that's what i did when i begged god for MY relationship. when i tried to take control. it wasn't because i knew that was best. it's because that relationship had become my god, and i wanted the almighty to be ok with it. i ran away. i was gomer. my god is hosea. and he loves me and lets me run away and still, pays for my sinning soul to come into his arms, instead of the arms of another man.

so come, follow him.

and he will make you fishers of men.