doubting thomas

this is for payton, for three reasons.

1) he inspires me daily.

2) i see him in t-minus three days.

and 3) my laundry is spinning in the wishy washy machine and the cat box is clean and i'm settling down for a good night of blogster. mm. refreshing.

hey, let's begin with a terribly awkward and funny moment. i went to get some immunizations for school today (rock chalk? yes, i just said that) and as we're walking into the doctor's office, my mom is like, "you are a grown woman. have you had a pap smear?" WHAT. NO. STOP. MOM, WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME THAT???? kind of funny considering SOMEONE asked me just three days ago if i've ever visited the gynecologist. weirdo.

and then i remembered when chris and kenzie and i discussed whether a husband being a gynecologist would put stress on a marriage, looking at females all day.

this has gotten awfully inappropriate so fast. i have to stop.

ok, wait. that wasn't a good intro. start over. so last night i crawled into bed with my parents. yes, literally. judge me. first, it felt great because my mom was there. like when i was little. and her presence was gone for three years. and like when i was four years old, i snuggled up next to her while my dad tried to find something other than porn to watch. turned out to be ESPN, caught a glimpse of mr. incredible, also known as stephen curry, and superman, blake griffin. great night. i'm such a boy sometimes.

ugh. i write so awkward.

ugh. i'm so awkward.

love me.

real topics now?

yeah, ok.

"i want something real for my faith, i know jesus isn't going to ring my doorbell or anything, but when can i get over this hump of christianity where i can truly believe, will i ever?

i love this story of thomas, i am thomas. he was such a doubter. huertez talks about how the lost and lonely people are the wounds of jesus and until we reach out and feel the wounds of jesus, if we humble ourselves for christ and submit our lives to him, we can begin to believe, to get a little bit closer. "

thank you, payton.

i am thomas. more than you will ever know. it's sad that after every sermon proving christ through documentation or archeological findings or geographical formations, i am like, "YEAH, JESUS!" and not because i'm sticking it to the man, but because it's like, "hey, i'm not a crazy person!"

but seriously...do i really need all of that? i mean, doesn't god prove his existence through the moon that was so incredibly bright last night? or the way the human body works? or through every detail of our universe?

more so, he proves himself through his acts of mercy. through his extended arms. through his unconditional love.

right? but let's be honest...

do i always believe that? no. i have those "spiritual humps of christianity." not every once in a while, but constantly. and it's because when i want god to wrap his arms around me, i want that physical touch. when i want to hear god, i want to feel the whisper in my ear. one time, i heard someone describe their desire to be close to god as "i want to walk so close to him i can feel the dust from his feet." but i'm never going to actually feel that. and it drives me crazy.

i'm not so great at this thing called faith.

i'm a doubting thomas.

you know, the thing about thomas is everyone criticized him. but i know how that feels. i think everyone that grew up in the church somewhat feels what he felt, what i've felt. in john 20:25, thomas finds out about jesus' resurrection from his friends, the other disciples.

"we have seen the lord!"

his friends told him. like our parents have told us. or like our friends have told us - about christ. but until WE experience him, we doubt. until WE feel the nail marks in his hands and put our fingers where the nails were and put our hands into his side, we sometimes have our spiritual humps. and how do we feel the nail marks? how do we put our hands into his speared side? when we experience the love of christ and the blessings of christ and god truly moving in our lives.

for me, when my mom walked out the door. and came back three years later.

for me, when i was in an unhealthy relationship, and he not only took me away from that, but he gave me better.

and for me, when every penny of my college is taken care of, when my test scores are too high to actually represent me, when i stress about not being smart enough or good enough and i am accepted into the best scholarship hall and asked to take the highest honors courses.

things i do not deserve. that's when i experience him. when i believe in him. when i understand him.

but what about when the good falls short...that's the true test. so today, i am challenging you to see god in the storm. to see him when your mom leaves. to see him when your boyfriend breaks up with you. to see him when you've filled out a million scholarships and don't see any results and cry because you're positive you failed the ACT. look for him, search for him.

be patient and wait.

he is there. you just have to look.