"never give up on someone you can't go a day without thinking about."

shut up, middle school girls. such a dumb thing to say.

"the opposite of love is not hate. it's indifference."

i'm going to bed.

near to You, i am healing but it's taking so long.

i'm better near to You.

his

job. job. job. (no, not an occupation or career. the one in the bible, job with a long o. get it right.)

job = god fearing man.

job = blessed man.

job = wealthy man.

job = family man.

and here comes satan, trying to tell god that job's faith is purely based on his blessing, the fact that god made his life essentially perfect - if he didn't have all of his material wealth and a healthy family, he wouldn't praise god.

but god knows job really loves him. so he puts his faith in job. and let's satan test him.

so he takes the material things away. he takes away his family. and still, job praises god.

"the lord gave and the lord has taken away; may the name of the lord be praised."

and of course satan isn't satisfied. he tests him again. he physically hurts him.

but god still loves job, still trusts job, still fights for job. his heart aches for job to stay with him. not to run away at the hurt, but to find his healing in him. if only job will stay, if only he will turn to god, he will bless him again, he will heal him again, he will hold him forever.

but job falters. and he questions god. he gets scared and he gets bitter and he gets sad.

and god reminds him who he is.

and job remembers. job stays.

"i know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be twarted...my ears had heard you but now my eyes have seen you."

he praises god, in the midst of strife. when satan took everything away.

so when we strip ourselves of all that we are, whose are we?

we. are. his.

job striped himself of everything, and he came to god.

and god healed him.

"the lord made him prosperous again and gave him twice as much as he had before."

what job thought was good, god doubled.

he gave him TWICE as much as he had before. so when we strip ourselves of everything, when we get rid of all the plans in our head, when we let go of everything in our lives, when we allow satan to take away the things we think we loved...and we still come to god...

he blesses us.

he heals us.

he holds us.

i'm ready for the doubled part. i know i don't deserve it, i know i'm not actually ready for it, but i want to be. i want to be completely satisfied with christ alone. i want my heart to be fulfilled with only him, completely only by him. and i'm not there yet. but i'm working on it. and i'm trying to strip myself of the rest.

cause i want to be made prosperous. twice as prosperous. i want to get through it all. i don't want to fight the shredding anymore. i don't want to hold on to the dirty. or the pretty. or the things in between.

i just want to be his.

close the door

as hard as i could try, you will never be perfect to me again.

and even when you want me again, i will know you're not enough for me.

if it's all the same, i'd like to start over, i'd like to start over.

humility

does this ever subside?

we talked about seeking god earnestly, but seeking him humbly. with humility. not denying our self worth, but authentically telling god we don't get it, but we want to. all this crap that people "see." do you really, though?

cause there is something that i don't really "see." i don't see why love on earth is so complicated. why it hurts so much when you dive into it. i don't see that. i gave my everything. everyday. i loved fully and completely and selflessly and it wasn't enough. it wasn't enough to hold on. they decided to search for something else, even though this was "flawless." even though i was "perfect." even though he was "happy."

why do i still love someone that wants more than me?

why does he still break my heart knowingly? even though it hurts him to see me like that?

why do i keep coming back and letting him do it again and again and again, in small and painful steps?

my love is useless.

i am used.

you've made me into someone who should not hold a loaded gun.

and now you sit upon my chest.

knock out my wind.

knock out my best.

i give my love away. knowingly. but completely. passionately. and i think that maybe once, it won't hurt. maybe once, it will be perfect, it will be the blessing god says it is. but i still lie awake waiting and waiting and waiting. i watch from a distance and see that i am not loved the same in return, and i don't think i ever will be again.

and so long to no disasters and mornings, too.

and so long to ever afters, so long to you.

and you know what god? i'm really trying to be patient in affliction. i'm really trying to wait for something better, trying to be joyful in hope. but it feels so far away. it feels impossible. i feel like i'm waiting for something that won't come.

and it's not because i don't have faith that you are good and true and love me. it's not that.

it's that i did love. i loved like you told me to. i loved with all of my being, and it wasn't enough.

and now i feel like that piece of me is gone. how do i make that heart whole again for someone new? and where do i find them? how do i attract them to me? because without that piece, i don't feel like i'm enough. and if all of me wasn't enough, how is the broken and the portion of me enough?

so is it really true when people say it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? because i don't know how much i believe that. at least i would be whole. at least i would be new. at least i would be pure.

i was completely selfless, and now i am being selfish. i want to know why. i want to know why you allowed me to love so deeply if you knew it was going to break me. if you knew i was going to be hurt everyday. why do you allow me to still love him completely? and why do you allow him to still hurt me even more? why won't you let me move on? why won't you let me let go?

i want to let go, i want to let go, i want to let go.

but i can't.

i can't stop loving.

and i can't stop hurting.

and i can't stop soaking my pillow with tears like david. because it hurts, god. it hurts a lot. i feel...dumb. i feel out of control. i know my love is good for him. i know my love helps heal him.

but what about me? what heals me?

he is not gentle with my heart. each broken promise pours salt in my open wounds. and i can only feel the pain anymore.

i am soft for only you.

impale me with your tongue, it's true, and slices of me piled sky high.

the same old me to the naked eye.

but i can't find myself tonight.

so god. i don't "see" this. i don't see why. i don't see why i love him.

cause i want to be loved, too.