we talked about seeking god earnestly, but seeking him humbly. with humility. not denying our self worth, but authentically telling god we don't get it, but we want to. all this crap that people "see." do you really, though?
cause there is something that i don't really "see." i don't see why love on earth is so complicated. why it hurts so much when you dive into it. i don't see that. i gave my everything. everyday. i loved fully and completely and selflessly and it wasn't enough. it wasn't enough to hold on. they decided to search for something else, even though this was "flawless." even though i was "perfect." even though he was "happy."
why do i still love someone that wants more than me?
why does he still break my heart knowingly? even though it hurts him to see me like that?
why do i keep coming back and letting him do it again and again and again, in small and painful steps?
my love is useless.
i am used.
you've made me into someone who should not hold a loaded gun.
and now you sit upon my chest.
knock out my wind.
knock out my best.
i give my love away. knowingly. but completely. passionately. and i think that maybe once, it won't hurt. maybe once, it will be perfect, it will be the blessing god says it is. but i still lie awake waiting and waiting and waiting. i watch from a distance and see that i am not loved the same in return, and i don't think i ever will be again.
and so long to no disasters and mornings, too.
and so long to ever afters, so long to you.
and you know what god? i'm really trying to be patient in affliction. i'm really trying to wait for something better, trying to be joyful in hope. but it feels so far away. it feels impossible. i feel like i'm waiting for something that won't come.
and it's not because i don't have faith that you are good and true and love me. it's not that.
it's that i did love. i loved like you told me to. i loved with all of my being, and it wasn't enough.
and now i feel like that piece of me is gone. how do i make that heart whole again for someone new? and where do i find them? how do i attract them to me? because without that piece, i don't feel like i'm enough. and if all of me wasn't enough, how is the broken and the portion of me enough?
so is it really true when people say it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? because i don't know how much i believe that. at least i would be whole. at least i would be new. at least i would be pure.
i was completely selfless, and now i am being selfish. i want to know why. i want to know why you allowed me to love so deeply if you knew it was going to break me. if you knew i was going to be hurt everyday. why do you allow me to still love him completely? and why do you allow him to still hurt me even more? why won't you let me move on? why won't you let me let go?
i want to let go, i want to let go, i want to let go.
but i can't.
i can't stop loving.
and i can't stop hurting.
and i can't stop soaking my pillow with tears like david. because it hurts, god. it hurts a lot. i feel...dumb. i feel out of control. i know my love is good for him. i know my love helps heal him.
but what about me? what heals me?
he is not gentle with my heart. each broken promise pours salt in my open wounds. and i can only feel the pain anymore.
i am soft for only you.
impale me with your tongue, it's true, and slices of me piled sky high.
the same old me to the naked eye.
but i can't find myself tonight.
so god. i don't "see" this. i don't see why. i don't see why i love him.
cause i want to be loved, too.
1 comment:
you are loved. by me.
but i understand what you're saying. and i have good news.
god made you to love. with all your being. to give all of yourself. and ask nothing in return.
but the best part is that he also made someone to love you in the same way. sometimes it is scary and devastating and leaves scars, but it is all for a purpose. each step (or boy) brings you closer to that person god intends for to be your soul mate.
trust me. i have lived it. and you already know that.
just when i thought that i had loved the best i could, god brought jarred into my life. just when i was about to settle for that empty feeling of "love," jarred showed me what real love was. just when i didn't understand the purpose in all the heartbreak, god opened my eyes to the most perfect man in the world for me.
and best of all, jarred and i's love helps me feel christ's love better. i can't exactly put it into words, but there is a comfort and a knowing and a peace i've never felt. i finally understand the kind of love where i would lay down my life to save someone. and the best part is i know he would do the same for me. i finally understand all of what i've read and tried to live my whole life.
and it all comes down to letting go and letting god work. you can't wait on it; you just keep living and following him. and it'll work out.
yes there will be days with tears, but there will also be days with laughter. but you are a beautiful, righteous, daughter of god and he won't forget your heart's desires. jeremiah says that if you seek him with all your heart, you will find him. and his plans will find you.
you already know all this. i just want you to hear it and remember it.
love you.
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