it was a long day.

no kellie.

absolutely no progress on my paper.

waking up late.

losing my keys.

all of those ordinary trivial things that just throw me off. i am typical.

and then there is the other issue - the people thing. i love people, i really do. i mean, i think i do at least. but when they’re emotional and when they’re bonding and when they’re expressing so much joy from the past and hesitance to move on, somehow i just become secluded. i don’t like it. maybe i don’t like when they expose themselves so promiscuously. i’m almost embarrassed for their lingering emotions. or maybe i am embarrassed for holding mine back. more so, for not having the ones expected of me to begin with. i am suppose to be crying right now? what the hell? no one told me that. what for? oh, because someone is leaving, or because the memories are just too much to hold on to? well, i just failed that social obligation. the crying thing isn’t me, everyone knows that, but i guess i should at least feel the want to cry. why do people display emotions to those that don’t know the best parts of them? it’s not even fair. i say fair because if you are exposing your inner most self, then they must appreciate you first, on a deeper level. and they don’t. so for all of you, i am embarrassed for you. it’s a weird thing, this embarrassment. too difficult to explain.

time for another swim. another dive into the deep end.

this whole “exhaustion” thing. “you must give everything you have. you must love unto exhaustion. work unto exhaustion, and walk unto exhaustion.” first, why is it “unto,” rather than “until”? but that’s really just something technical. however, i’m quite familiar with the exhaustion. but is it the right type of exhaustion? am i exhausting myself in conformative ways (conformative is not a word, by the way. but it’s fits, just play along)? because i may be working unto exhaustion, but that’s because i am too lazy to plan better. and the walking unto exhaustion — maybe sometimes, but only because the hills in lawrence are ridiculous. but the loving unto exhaustion? i used to do this, and it was….EXHAUSTING. but not rewarding. and so i stopped exhausting myself. i stopped depleting this supply of love. is love renewed? because if you truly love until exhaustion, then maybe the supply really is nonrenewable. am i at a nonrenewable stalemate? or do i still contain the capacity to love until exhaustion. however, i feel to really do this properly, someone else has to be loving you until exhaustion. it’s like your love is mutually exclusive, by depleting yourself, you’re renewing each other. and i don’t just mean in romantic relationships. in any healthy relationships, it’s depleting and renewing and exhausting and rewarding all in the same.

so i guess i’m curious if others are exhausted without reward while loving me. because i may work unto exhaustion, and maybe walk unto exhaustion, but do i love unto exhaustion? because that involves giving yourself, sometimes promiscuously. sometimes giving your best to those that don’t understand it. and i don’t know if i’m willing to do that. i don’t want to be embarrassed of myself.