i don't want a lot for christmas.

there is just one thing i need.

i don't care about the presents underneath the christmas tree.

i just want you for my own, more than you could ever know.

make my wish come true -

baby, all i want for christmas is you.

this is so different. and so much better. how could i ever ask for more? i have never had a happier christmas.

o, holy night...

iamloved.

what do you do when you don't have the right words to say? what do you do when all of the words you could say don't mean a thing? when you know nothing in this world could make you feel alright and you're miles away?

i'm praying for you. i just wish i could turn it all around.

and the hardest part of living is just taking breaths to stay.

sometimes i still want to feel you. to be felt by you. but i know i am more without you.

and it's not that the options aren't there. they are. they just aren't the right ones.

i'm ready for someone that understands before it's too late. who knows who i am. who can't let it go.

"true faith is loving a person after he has hurt you. true love makes you stand out....christ commands that we give without expecting anything in return...do you give to those who cannot repay you? to those who would harm you, if they could? to those who have already done harm to you? this is christ's love."

patient.

kind.

does not envy.

does not boast.

is not proud.

is not rude.

is not self-seeking.

is not easily angered.

keeps no record of wrongs.

does not delight in evil.

rejoices with the truth.

always protects.

always trusts.

always hopes.

always perseveres.

never fails.

"and so i have come to understand that strength, inner strength, comes from receiving love as much as it comes from giving it...god's love will never change us if we don't accept it."

i'm learning to make god my refuge.

i'm learning to let him heal me.

let him guide me.

let him love me.

"never give up on someone you can't go a day without thinking about."

shut up, middle school girls. such a dumb thing to say.

"the opposite of love is not hate. it's indifference."

i'm going to bed.

near to You, i am healing but it's taking so long.

i'm better near to You.

his

job. job. job. (no, not an occupation or career. the one in the bible, job with a long o. get it right.)

job = god fearing man.

job = blessed man.

job = wealthy man.

job = family man.

and here comes satan, trying to tell god that job's faith is purely based on his blessing, the fact that god made his life essentially perfect - if he didn't have all of his material wealth and a healthy family, he wouldn't praise god.

but god knows job really loves him. so he puts his faith in job. and let's satan test him.

so he takes the material things away. he takes away his family. and still, job praises god.

"the lord gave and the lord has taken away; may the name of the lord be praised."

and of course satan isn't satisfied. he tests him again. he physically hurts him.

but god still loves job, still trusts job, still fights for job. his heart aches for job to stay with him. not to run away at the hurt, but to find his healing in him. if only job will stay, if only he will turn to god, he will bless him again, he will heal him again, he will hold him forever.

but job falters. and he questions god. he gets scared and he gets bitter and he gets sad.

and god reminds him who he is.

and job remembers. job stays.

"i know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be twarted...my ears had heard you but now my eyes have seen you."

he praises god, in the midst of strife. when satan took everything away.

so when we strip ourselves of all that we are, whose are we?

we. are. his.

job striped himself of everything, and he came to god.

and god healed him.

"the lord made him prosperous again and gave him twice as much as he had before."

what job thought was good, god doubled.

he gave him TWICE as much as he had before. so when we strip ourselves of everything, when we get rid of all the plans in our head, when we let go of everything in our lives, when we allow satan to take away the things we think we loved...and we still come to god...

he blesses us.

he heals us.

he holds us.

i'm ready for the doubled part. i know i don't deserve it, i know i'm not actually ready for it, but i want to be. i want to be completely satisfied with christ alone. i want my heart to be fulfilled with only him, completely only by him. and i'm not there yet. but i'm working on it. and i'm trying to strip myself of the rest.

cause i want to be made prosperous. twice as prosperous. i want to get through it all. i don't want to fight the shredding anymore. i don't want to hold on to the dirty. or the pretty. or the things in between.

i just want to be his.

close the door

as hard as i could try, you will never be perfect to me again.

and even when you want me again, i will know you're not enough for me.

if it's all the same, i'd like to start over, i'd like to start over.

humility

does this ever subside?

we talked about seeking god earnestly, but seeking him humbly. with humility. not denying our self worth, but authentically telling god we don't get it, but we want to. all this crap that people "see." do you really, though?

cause there is something that i don't really "see." i don't see why love on earth is so complicated. why it hurts so much when you dive into it. i don't see that. i gave my everything. everyday. i loved fully and completely and selflessly and it wasn't enough. it wasn't enough to hold on. they decided to search for something else, even though this was "flawless." even though i was "perfect." even though he was "happy."

why do i still love someone that wants more than me?

why does he still break my heart knowingly? even though it hurts him to see me like that?

why do i keep coming back and letting him do it again and again and again, in small and painful steps?

my love is useless.

i am used.

you've made me into someone who should not hold a loaded gun.

and now you sit upon my chest.

knock out my wind.

knock out my best.

i give my love away. knowingly. but completely. passionately. and i think that maybe once, it won't hurt. maybe once, it will be perfect, it will be the blessing god says it is. but i still lie awake waiting and waiting and waiting. i watch from a distance and see that i am not loved the same in return, and i don't think i ever will be again.

and so long to no disasters and mornings, too.

and so long to ever afters, so long to you.

and you know what god? i'm really trying to be patient in affliction. i'm really trying to wait for something better, trying to be joyful in hope. but it feels so far away. it feels impossible. i feel like i'm waiting for something that won't come.

and it's not because i don't have faith that you are good and true and love me. it's not that.

it's that i did love. i loved like you told me to. i loved with all of my being, and it wasn't enough.

and now i feel like that piece of me is gone. how do i make that heart whole again for someone new? and where do i find them? how do i attract them to me? because without that piece, i don't feel like i'm enough. and if all of me wasn't enough, how is the broken and the portion of me enough?

so is it really true when people say it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? because i don't know how much i believe that. at least i would be whole. at least i would be new. at least i would be pure.

i was completely selfless, and now i am being selfish. i want to know why. i want to know why you allowed me to love so deeply if you knew it was going to break me. if you knew i was going to be hurt everyday. why do you allow me to still love him completely? and why do you allow him to still hurt me even more? why won't you let me move on? why won't you let me let go?

i want to let go, i want to let go, i want to let go.

but i can't.

i can't stop loving.

and i can't stop hurting.

and i can't stop soaking my pillow with tears like david. because it hurts, god. it hurts a lot. i feel...dumb. i feel out of control. i know my love is good for him. i know my love helps heal him.

but what about me? what heals me?

he is not gentle with my heart. each broken promise pours salt in my open wounds. and i can only feel the pain anymore.

i am soft for only you.

impale me with your tongue, it's true, and slices of me piled sky high.

the same old me to the naked eye.

but i can't find myself tonight.

so god. i don't "see" this. i don't see why. i don't see why i love him.

cause i want to be loved, too.

rain

i love you.

we're gonna make it.

dad knows the way home.

home

sleep, don't weep, my sweet.

i hope i find a place where i feel that i belong.

sometimes i just bask in me. just me. and i forget about the good around me. so yes, maybe i could have stayed in love. or maybe my best friend could be closer. or maybe i would have been prettier or more secure or more vibrant if my mom would have stayed. but now it doesn't matter.

cause it isn't about me, is it?

jarred is joining our family in may. i have never seen my sister so happy. wedding dress shopping - it's true what they say about a blushing bride. she glows. she is brilliant. she is overcome with love, it makes me weak. i have never loved her more than when she is in love. jarred lifts her up to her highest. he makes her whole. he loves her.

and i feel them.

like nathan and maleah. they say that home is where the heart is. maleah is nathan's home. nathan is maleah's home. they shelter each other. they hold hands and hold hearts. they make people feel alive with their laughter and love. it's invigorating and intoxicating and too much for me to hold.

but the best is yet to come...

april 21.

i gotta make it there quickly.

because there is a baby in rachel's precious tummy. and it's growing and changing everyday and i want to watch it. i want to hold it. i want to love it so bad. i already do. i'm anticipating every moment, even half way across the country.

baby, i don't know your name or your favorite color or the silly things you will do when you're little. i don't know how fast you will learn to color in the lines or how thick your hair will be or if you will be quiet like your mom or obnoxiously loud like your dad. i don't know who your first crush will be or what bands you will listen to or if you'll like skinny jeans and v-necks or move on to better trends. but i love you already. so much i can't control it. i will be proud of you even when you fall off your bike. and i will laugh with you even when your friends are mean. and i will love you unconditionally. and i will try to teach you about jesus. and i will try to be the best me for you. and i won't ever let you feel unloved.

how did we get so far.

and how do we get back home.

love is risky

recently i have been reading sex god, and as i explained to chris, rob bell writes spiritually how i comprehend. he writes the words that i am searching for in my head. sometimes it is the long way around. sometimes it is terribly complex for something so simple. and sometimes he uses analogies that at first have absolutely nothing to do what he's talking about, but he brings them full circle. it's refreshing. it's familiar. it's me.

bell talked about heartbreak in the last chapter.

today, i'm not going to put much time adding my own commentary. i think he does enough.

"anytime we move toward another in any way, we are taking a risk. a risk that she may say no. our gesture may not get returned. our invitation may be rejected. our love may not be reciprocated.

there's a scene in the song of songs, where the woman sees her lover and he's coming towards her. but when he makes it to her house, he can't get in...and what is this chap saying to her? he says, 'arise my darling, my beautiful one, come with me.' he's inviting her to a new life. a life with him.

do you see the terrifying spot this puts her in?

what if it doesn't work out?

what if he isn't who he appears to be?

what if he's making the pitch to girls all over town?

what if he hits her?

what if he goes to war next year and doesn't return, ever?

what if her family doesn't think he's right for her, and she goes anyway and it doesn't work out?

love is risky.

heartbreak is a universal feeling because we're feeling something as old as the world. something god feels.

the bible begins with god making people who have freedom. freedom to love god or not to love god. and these people consistently choose not to love god. it's written in genesis 6:6 that god 'regretted that he had made human beings on the earth, and his heart was deeply troubled.'

a heart that feels.

that responds.

that hurts.

that fills with pain.

god...grieving.

god takes this giant risk in creating and loving people, and in the process god's heart is broken.

again and again and again.

divine heartbreak.

love is handing your heart to someone and taking the risk that they will hand it back because they don't want it. that's why it's such a crushing ache on the inside.

we gave away a part of ourselves

and it wasn't wanted.

if you have ever given yourself to someone and had your heart broken, you know how god feels.

the cross is god's way of saying, 'i know what it's like.'

the cross is god taking on flesh and blood and saying, 'me too."

this is the god who holds out his hands and asks, 'would you like to see the holes where the nails went? would that help?'

the danger is that you will decide it isn't worth it. why risk if it's going to hurt like this? the tragedy would be for you to shut down, to allow a wall to be built around your heart, and for something within you to die.

a decision not to risk again is a decision not to love again.

but if god can continue to risk, then maybe we can too.

love is risky for god too."

my heartbreak is divine. but it's closing my gap between god and me. he knows how i have felt.

that's why i'm trusting him. to give me the courage to risk again. and maybe a third time. as many times as it takes. with every broken relationship, every broken heart, regarding more than a high school sweetheart or a mom or a best friend. it's all inclusive.

it's every moment i have given a part of myself away

and it wasn't wanted.

love is risky.

so long

you made me pretty.

and so long to ever after.

and so long to you.

i long to feel you

i know i need you,
i need to love you.
i love to see you, but it's been so long...
i long to feel you,
i feel this need for you.
and i need to hear you.

is that so wrong?

i hear you say, "my love is over.
it's underneath, it's inside,
it's in between.
the times you doubt me,
when you can't feel.
the times that you question, 'is this for real?'
the times you are broken,
the times that you mend.
the times that you hate me,
and the times that you bend.
well, my love is over, it's underneath.
it's inside, it's in between.
the times you're healing
and when your heart breaks.
the times that you feel like you're falling from grace.
the times you're hurting,
the times that you heal.
the times you go hungry,
and are tempted to steal.
the times of confusion, in chaos and pain.
i'm there in your sorrow,
under the weight of your shame.
i'm there through your heartache,
i'm there in the storm.
my love, i will keep you,
by my power alone.
i don't care where you fall,
where you have been.
i'll never forsake you,
my love never ends.


but i long to feel you.

is that so wrong?

i need to hear you.

an unreachable dream

what if it's all impossible?

what if this is forever?

then my hope is failing.

warrior princess

this is all from my phone because my 15" macbook pro was just ordered today. :)

Tonight i have a fever. My body is aching, my head is pounding and i can't seem to keep a constant temperature. Thus, the 3am post. A little miserable, but i'll make it through.

Since friday, i have been rushing. And tonight, i struggled with that realization because i was surrounded by sorority girls that make me remember why i was hesitant to join in the first place. I don't like being obnoxious all the time or always having my makeup perfect and i definitely don't crave alcohol. but because of all of that, i've also been reminded that this is a potential gutter. A potential place to reveal god. I don't know how or when, but i think those are details that he'll take care of, as long as i am truly searching for an answer.

I'm trying to be that warrior princess, niki.


I missed my best friends tonight. But i'm 'reaming,' so don't worry about me. :)

college.

umm.

i will be found by you

this is the world as we know it.

this is goodbye gravity, you no longer keep me grounded. 

2 weeks, 4 days until this is not my bed any longer. 

it's kind of hard to wrap my head around that. even with explosions in the sky and sigur ros playing in the background, the boldness of that very statement hasn't settled yet. am i ready for that?

am i?

eff. 

i want to say more, but my head is consumed with college. i feel typical. but we'll move on.

come thou fount of every blessing

tune my heart to sing thy grace

streams of mercy never ceasing

call for songs of loudest praise

jesus saught me when a stranger

wandering from the fold of god

he to rescue me from danger

interposed his precious blood

oh, to grace how great a debtor

daily i'm constrained to thee

let that grace now like a fetter

bind my wandering heart to thee

prone to wander, lord i feel it

prone to leave the god i love

here's my heart, oh take and seal it

seal it for thy courts above

i want to be at the place where i can raise my ebenezar, my "stone of help." it's harder than you think, because i'm prone to wander, prone to leave the god i love. i come to this place in christianity where i think it's ok to stall. when god is moving, and i'm actually backing away, telling him this is enough. god, why do i do that? why do you let me do that? 

where did i run for so long? where did i go? 

back to you, so you can dwell in me richly. so i can experience your peace. so i can be different. so i can be better. so i can be free.

i think for a long time, i didn't know what peace was, beyond an annoying symbol twelve year old girls seem to be obsessed with. "the peace of christ." someone asked me what that was. 

so first, i think we have to define what peace is. 

peace is a calming.

peace is understanding.

peace is a security.

peace is a friend.

peace is a savior.

peace is a comforter.

peace is a healer. 

chris seidman says that peace is not the absence of fear, but god present in the storm.

so what peace do we have in our lives?

we have peace that he heals us.

peace that he forgives us.

peace that he provides for us.

peace that he has eternal life for us.

peace that he knows us.

peace that he created us.

peace that he embraces us.

peace that he bears our burdens.

peace that he has a purpose for us.

my god is big.

"let the peace of christ rule in your hearts." -colossians 3:15

"seek peace and pursue it." -psalm 34:14

"a heart at peace gives life to the body." -proverbs 14:30

"for he himself is our peace." -ephesians 2:14

 

right now, i'm struggling to see god's peace. to be honest, i just don't know where i'm headed. the location, maybe. but the path...i don't know what god has for me. so my peace comes from this. i have to have faith in this. i have to trust in this. i have to believe in this...

"for i know the plans i have for you," declares the lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

please don't stop there...keep going...

then you will call upon me and come and pray to me...

run back to god...

and i will listen to you.

you will seek me and -find me- when you seek me with your whole heart.

i will be found by you.

that is when my peace will come. when i quit wandering from the god i love. when i seek him. i will find him.

and jesus said, "peace i leave with you; my peace i give you."

maybe not

i never thought i could love anyone but myself.

but you make me think that maybe i won't die alone.

cornerstone

i'm leaving tomorrow afternoon for oklahoma city, and honestly, i am just so excited for a blessed week.

take me.

use me.

renew me.

i am ready for that.

doubting thomas

this is for payton, for three reasons.

1) he inspires me daily.

2) i see him in t-minus three days.

and 3) my laundry is spinning in the wishy washy machine and the cat box is clean and i'm settling down for a good night of blogster. mm. refreshing.

hey, let's begin with a terribly awkward and funny moment. i went to get some immunizations for school today (rock chalk? yes, i just said that) and as we're walking into the doctor's office, my mom is like, "you are a grown woman. have you had a pap smear?" WHAT. NO. STOP. MOM, WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME THAT???? kind of funny considering SOMEONE asked me just three days ago if i've ever visited the gynecologist. weirdo.

and then i remembered when chris and kenzie and i discussed whether a husband being a gynecologist would put stress on a marriage, looking at females all day.

this has gotten awfully inappropriate so fast. i have to stop.

ok, wait. that wasn't a good intro. start over. so last night i crawled into bed with my parents. yes, literally. judge me. first, it felt great because my mom was there. like when i was little. and her presence was gone for three years. and like when i was four years old, i snuggled up next to her while my dad tried to find something other than porn to watch. turned out to be ESPN, caught a glimpse of mr. incredible, also known as stephen curry, and superman, blake griffin. great night. i'm such a boy sometimes.

ugh. i write so awkward.

ugh. i'm so awkward.

love me.

real topics now?

yeah, ok.

"i want something real for my faith, i know jesus isn't going to ring my doorbell or anything, but when can i get over this hump of christianity where i can truly believe, will i ever?

i love this story of thomas, i am thomas. he was such a doubter. huertez talks about how the lost and lonely people are the wounds of jesus and until we reach out and feel the wounds of jesus, if we humble ourselves for christ and submit our lives to him, we can begin to believe, to get a little bit closer. "

thank you, payton.

i am thomas. more than you will ever know. it's sad that after every sermon proving christ through documentation or archeological findings or geographical formations, i am like, "YEAH, JESUS!" and not because i'm sticking it to the man, but because it's like, "hey, i'm not a crazy person!"

but seriously...do i really need all of that? i mean, doesn't god prove his existence through the moon that was so incredibly bright last night? or the way the human body works? or through every detail of our universe?

more so, he proves himself through his acts of mercy. through his extended arms. through his unconditional love.

right? but let's be honest...

do i always believe that? no. i have those "spiritual humps of christianity." not every once in a while, but constantly. and it's because when i want god to wrap his arms around me, i want that physical touch. when i want to hear god, i want to feel the whisper in my ear. one time, i heard someone describe their desire to be close to god as "i want to walk so close to him i can feel the dust from his feet." but i'm never going to actually feel that. and it drives me crazy.

i'm not so great at this thing called faith.

i'm a doubting thomas.

you know, the thing about thomas is everyone criticized him. but i know how that feels. i think everyone that grew up in the church somewhat feels what he felt, what i've felt. in john 20:25, thomas finds out about jesus' resurrection from his friends, the other disciples.

"we have seen the lord!"

his friends told him. like our parents have told us. or like our friends have told us - about christ. but until WE experience him, we doubt. until WE feel the nail marks in his hands and put our fingers where the nails were and put our hands into his side, we sometimes have our spiritual humps. and how do we feel the nail marks? how do we put our hands into his speared side? when we experience the love of christ and the blessings of christ and god truly moving in our lives.

for me, when my mom walked out the door. and came back three years later.

for me, when i was in an unhealthy relationship, and he not only took me away from that, but he gave me better.

and for me, when every penny of my college is taken care of, when my test scores are too high to actually represent me, when i stress about not being smart enough or good enough and i am accepted into the best scholarship hall and asked to take the highest honors courses.

things i do not deserve. that's when i experience him. when i believe in him. when i understand him.

but what about when the good falls short...that's the true test. so today, i am challenging you to see god in the storm. to see him when your mom leaves. to see him when your boyfriend breaks up with you. to see him when you've filled out a million scholarships and don't see any results and cry because you're positive you failed the ACT. look for him, search for him.

be patient and wait.

he is there. you just have to look.

the fountainhead

ugh.

i'm missing what i never had.

am i ever going to have that subconscious dream? will i ever grasp it? was it ever meant to happen? maybe. maybe not.

read the fountainhead. ignore rand's atheism.

"she could not have reached this white serenity except as the sum of all the colors, of all the violence she had known."

"why do they always teach us that it's easy and evil to do what we want and that we need discipline to restrain ourselves? it's the hardest thing in the world--to do what we want. and it takes the greatest kind of courage. i mean, what we really want."

"i breathe for my own necessity, for the fuel of my body, for my survival...i've given you, not my sacrifice or my pity, but my ego and my naked need..."

"i think the only cardinal evil on earth is that of placing your prime concern within other men."

"...that love is reverence, and worship, and glory, and the upward glance. not a bandage for dirty sores. but they don't know it. those who speak of love most promiscuously are the ones who've never felt it. they make some sort of feeble stew out of sympathy, compassion, contempt and general indifference, and they call it love. once you've felt what it means to love as you and I know it--the total passion for the total height--you're incapable of anything less."

"a building has integrity, just as a man and just as seldom."

"she thought how strange it would be if she ever said "hello" to him; one did not greet oneself each morning."

"and that's the sin that can't be forgiven-that i hadn't done what i wanted."

slow down.

come, follow me

there's been a lot on my mind lately. welcome to my life, right? this isn't unusual. but still, a lot there.

and tonight, i'll attempt to sort a few things out.

first, i really hate cleaning the cat box. that is like my number one chore. ok, my only real chore, but i'm working two jobs here and it's just a terrible way to end my night. as much as i love my cats, i really hate their hair all over my clothes and having to scoop their feces into a plastic bag. there was an infomercial over this cat magic thing, a self-cleaning litter box - it was fantastic. i actually asked for it for my birthday. didn't happen, obviously, but it would have been a great investment. i would love to explain how it worked, automatically recycling the litter and disposing of the cat waste, but quite frankly, you have probably stopped reading by now. and if not, we need to get down to business.

wait...let me go clean the cat box first.

literally.....

ugh. worst five minutes of my day.

i don't even know where to start.

first, i miss writing editorials. i miss being needed at my school. lame, i realize that, so wait a couple minutes before you judge me. i just miss working independently and seeing the finished product - physically seeing the quality of my work, MY stories, MY layouts, MY pictures, MY newspaper. it was mine, mine to share. mine to enjoy, to let others enjoy. i miss that. i miss working independently for hours at a time, with my ipod, a blank tabloid indesign document and the best i had to offer. and yes, i still write for the derby newspaper, but who cares about a world champion yo-yoer performing whirling tips and tricks for six year olds at the library? it's not even the same caliber. i'm using pagemaker 6.5, for god's sake.

ugh. i just want it back.

secondly, my relationships have been spinning lately. out of control, in twelve zillion directions. today, i realized that three months ago, i truly thought i had everything figured out, and dangit jesus, you had to throw me in a new direction. i mean, thank you for that, i really needed it, cause it wasn't the right relationship, it wasn't what he had planned for me because it wasn't the best. it needed to be fixed. but that meant i had to be broken.

and so he broke me. my jesus broke me.

because he loved me.

and he has better for me.

how incredible is that? my god is smart. but difficult. sometimes, i just want to tell him what to do, like i know better. like, come on savior, i know that you created the world and all, but i am 18 years old. at times like that, i just need to shut up. to stop telling god what to do.

three months ago, i told god to give me a life with a certain boy. to wrap my life around him, to merge my path into his, to hand over half of my spiritual life to him. i thought that would work. i thought i could give him life.

but wait. i can't even figure out my own.

like i said, god is throwing so many things at me regarding relationships. but i'm trusting in the end, he will show me where to go, and with whom.

and on that note, i've really appreciated my relationships with christians lately. it doesn't make me want to go to harding any more, but it does make me realize the difference between those with worldly motives and those with heavenly ones. my love for them is pure. it's real. it's vivid. it's centered around christ. and because of that, i know that it will last.

cornerstone is coming quickly, and i'm ready to shine for christ there. i'm ready to lead the most fragile middle school girls, to mold them into god's precious clay. i'm ready to be inspired, and to cry. i'm ready to hurt for them, to love for them, to grow with them, to hold them, to be touched by them, to see what god meant by "let the little children come to me."

so i've been talking about christ a lot lately, but let's get back to the bible.

matthew 4:19-20

"come, follow me," jesus said, "and i will make you fisher of men."

wait. this is peter and andrew. two fishermen. and this random guy tells them to quit their jobs, and to learn how to fish for people. there is no prior knowledge as to who he is or what he is asking them to do.

verse 20 is what fascinates me.

at ONCE, they left their nets and followed him.

THIS IS INSANE. even more insane is when he calles james and john, and they leave both their jobs and their father. how did they get the courage and the trust to do that? when they knew nothing about him?

so why is it so hard for us to do the same? when we know him, we know he is the creator of all things, the king of kings, the prince of peace, the glory and the lamb? we know he heals and he saves and he provides an eternal reassurance of hope. but not only do we hesitate, but when we finally get there...we finally trust him and follow him...we run away. we are the prostitute, we are the adulterer, we are the sinner grasping for someone else's love. that's what i did when i begged god for MY relationship. when i tried to take control. it wasn't because i knew that was best. it's because that relationship had become my god, and i wanted the almighty to be ok with it. i ran away. i was gomer. my god is hosea. and he loves me and lets me run away and still, pays for my sinning soul to come into his arms, instead of the arms of another man.

so come, follow him.

and he will make you fishers of men.

i won't walk away.

but give me a reason to stay.

i thought this time was different. as always. 

there are other ways, dearest.

(gain it the right way.)

i am still surrounded with a new feeling of home. the front door is simply open now, and it's cold outside.

i can't even describe why i'm so blissful.

except that i serve a big God.

i am loved.